I recently have moments like this one, moments of glimpses of how the world actually is, of who I actually am. A fraction-of-a-second lasting realisation that world is not a hostile place and most people can be trusted and that life is worth living. A brief spontaneous look out of my matrix, out of my Truman Show. I think those moments are especially precious. It's like being a person who has been blind since being born and undergoing a surgery that lets them see - it's like the first moments of opening the eyes after the surgery. I'll call it a flashnow, as opposed to a flashback. I have been living 99,(9)% of my life in emotional flashbacks. It is mind blowing to think that something else exists besides that hostile reality.

Today I managed build on top of this glimpse a bit, and tried to imagine what if I was not useless, shameful, invisible, repulsive creature. I just tried to imagine how it would be if that was not the case, just hypothetically. If I was actually a pretty happy woman trying to find fulfillment in life and doing pretty good so far. I tried to hang in there with this imagination and then tried to feel all the anxiety, self hate, disgust that I have inside, basically what I thought so far was "me", imagine it as a big lump inside of me, and then tell myself: "it's all an insolent lie!". I tried to imagine taking this lump out, to imagine who would I be without this lump. Pictures started to pop in. The imaginations about my adult life from the age of 4. My current reflection in the mirror. Then I saw a 21 year old girl who was happy and full of faith and life joy. This girl was not me. But she could have been, have I not experienced the bad things in childhood. This girl would have no clue how lucky she was. But I felt close to her. I felt I prefer her life to mine. I felt I am ready to leave my current life for that one.

I think this is an improvement. In the past that picture would make me feel enraged at the unfairness of my life, and I would rather criticise this 21 year old naive stupid cunt than emphasise with her. Today I just felt I owe her respect, for who she is. The criticism and jealousy disappeared.