Showing all posts tagged #childhood:
Noise at school
Posted on July 8th, 2019
I never paid attention to it, but I do have memory of being 8 and completely freaked out in the middle of the school's gym during the year end or beginning celebration. I remember it was loud, there was a lot of kids, perfume and flowers smell, and I h...
Observing an infant crying
Posted on July 8th, 2019
That was really interesting. The two weeks' child while crying for food was behaving exactly how I would behave when I have a very bad freakout, lying in my bed. The waving hands around, twisting and turning, closed eyes, and the very fast breath. In m...
People disliking me
Posted on July 8th, 2019
Okay, now it deserves its own drawer in my brain: some people, for some reason, become really upset with me. And it seems that to them it seems that I have been doing some things intentionally, knowing it will result in them almost hating me, while on ...
Spontaneous regression
Posted on February 11th, 2019
I am the 12 year old me seeing through my adult body. It feels so realistic.
Fear of abandonment
Posted on December 3rd, 2018
Fear of abandonment - was the undeniable symptom that made me consider BPD. Today it occurred to me that this fear is somewhat flat, somehow repetitive and predictable. And that the narration behind it has the very same voice, each time. And this voice...
The exile feeling
Posted on October 17th, 2018
Today it got me back. Just like I felt at school, the same I felt today as an adult between people who just a few months ago I considered friends. I felt condemned by them, disapproved, avoided, contempted. I felt shame and pain.
I got a bit deeper in...
The vicious cycle of my conflicting desires
Posted on September 21st, 2018
I think it goes like this:
My mum told me I couldn't be loved. Long time ago, but I cling to this dogma, even though it hurts. Why? I must have some benefits from believing that. Oh yes, the benefit I have is:
If I don't let anyone love me I will nev...
The brutal truth about me
Posted on June 7th, 2018
Somewhere I heard that no matter where you start your recovery process, one change will automatically pull consecutive other changes.
I have made one substantial change I think: I trained my brain to stop the inner critic. When I first read about it I...
Accessing your early memories
Posted on May 24th, 2018
I just understood an obvious trick on how to access your memories from the time before your brain's capacity to memorize events was developed. I think we all remember the earliest events, we just remember them differently than the events that happened ...
Another session with Polish coach
Posted on May 10th, 2018
What is important for me from today's session:
There was something strange happening when I was a kid and my mother would come back from work: the whole house would get filled with light for next 2-3 hours, my dad would get out of his cave, start talk...
Emotional flashback: humiliation with no voice to defend myself
Posted on April 16th, 2018
Just recently a situation happened that very well resembled a traumatic situation from my childhood. I wasn't aware how traumatic it was until now. Someone wanted to help me and instead humiliated me: both back then and yesterday. As it often is with e...
Codependency is running (and ruining) my life!
Posted on April 1st, 2018
I have just come back from an unsuccessful skiing attempt. I couldn't do it. It was too hot and my jacket was too thick, I was boiling. I came back extremely angry that I couldn't go earlier, as I planned, when the weather was cooler, because a friend ...
How we don't realise our childhoods affect us
Posted on March 28th, 2018
This moment when you tell your best friend about something you're excited about and you realize your voice sounds stupid. That frustration when it seems that the other person is just not willing to understand you when you try your best. That moment whe...
Parent's voices
Posted on March 26th, 2018
They say that the critical voices we hear in our heads come from our primary caregivers, and that those voices actually are what they've been telling us when we were really small. I don't normally use words to think (I don't use images either, and yes ...
'I love you no matter what'
Posted on February 15th, 2018
That toxic feeling of "I love you no matter what", I finally get what that is!
It's connected to a feeling that I started to have more of recently, and which I always have more of when I'm not being invested in someone else's life: being weird and not...
Spontaneous regression
Posted on January 7th, 2018
I have spontaneously regressed to 11 years old me. I am afraid to talk, when asked something I feel panic and the only thing I can say is "I don't know". It feels pretty autistic. I cannot understand a narrative of a text, as if I lost all my linguisti...
Session with a Polish coach - permission to be myself
Posted on December 18th, 2017
We spoke about the very often recurring theme in my life that someone is pissed at me because "I dared to be me". I just want to dump the good points she made:
I am talking about myself to upfront expose myself so that I can make sure that I am accept...
Video of 11 year old me singing
Posted on December 10th, 2017
My mum just sent it to me. I showed it to a friend, she said it's cute. She didn't see what I saw. And what I see in this video is frightening. Perhaps remembering that situation influences the fact that I notice what others don't.
First of all I feel...
Feeling stupid and incompetent
Posted on December 2nd, 2017
We've knocked out the a big one on last therapy session: me feeling incompetent and stupid. Why do I do easily feel so, even faced with obvious counterexamples? Well I get it now, and I've even made a link to being chronically late and having extreme r...
Psychological rape
Posted on November 23rd, 2017
Something just occurred to me. The fact that my father was directing all his hate towards women, including his wife, at me, and since I was as old as 5, is a psychological rape. Isn't it? I was put into the context of a woman, and a woman with whom he ...
'Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child' by John Bradshaw
Posted on October 12th, 2017
I'm doing the first read just to get a feel (or because of being curious / avoiding the actual work). I promise myself to go back later and do the exercises. The book talks about different stages of child development and how getting stuck in each of th...
The shitty feeling
Posted on September 10th, 2017
And now about the shitty feeling I mentioned in one of the previous posts - yes I recently realized that it's a very specific feeling and that I have it quite often. It has a lot to do with feeling worthless and disgusting. Big. Old. Not fitting in. ...
'Moment of Excellence'
Posted on August 31st, 2017
We had a presentation at work about coaching technique called "Moment of Excellence". It's about remembering vividly a moment from the past when we greatly succeeded at something, next naming our qualities we proved there, then finding an anchor that r...
Reaction at attempts of intimacy
Posted on August 27th, 2017
A father holding baby on his hands smiled widely at me when the child got interested in the sound I was making with my keys. There was something unsettling about his smile. I wanted to slap him. My immediate reaction was "What are your smiling at, you ...
'You've always seemed so serious to me'
Posted on August 22nd, 2017
Someone I have felt painfully rejected by in the past said it to me recently. And now I got something! Here I wrote about feeling too big as an older sibling. Come on, saying that I am too serious to pleasantly interact with is exactly behaving like my...
'You have to be special'
Posted on August 18th, 2017
So many little mechanisms in one's head are difficult to identify. I just realised one more: an online course where they say that at the end everyone will get a grade in the Proof of Achievements document. My instant thought went something like that:
...
'You're such a big girl'
Posted on July 26th, 2017
My mum used to say it often, with disappointment in her voice. I don't know why but I took it literally. She also used to say that my younger sister is so much cuter than me. So I made my interpretation: I'm too big and therefore disgusting. Later when...
Feeling bad at school
Posted on June 22nd, 2017
I remember this feeling, around 5th grade. Standing in the school corridor, observing other children, and thinking "why am I unable to have friends even though my parents say I'm smart and pretty?". I was really puzzled. I was seeing the other children...
Feeling bad about myself
Posted on June 21st, 2017
I have not been focusing on my emotions recently. I thought about it a few days ago, and then asked myself: okay, so after that few days break from being with myself.. hi myself, how are you?
Uh. Bad, ugly, disgusting, repulsive, weird, wicked.. well...
How the past gets carved into us
Posted on June 4th, 2017
Imagine that you were an archeologist examining a site close to the place where you grew up or where your parents grew up. Imagine you find a thousand years old sheet of paper and on that site of paper you see your own damn handwriting and drawings dep...
