Oh crap. It finally got to me. The split in how I see myself, the split between me-angel and me-slut. It's one-to-one fit to the narcissist's view of women!
Conditioned by my father, the society, and then consecutive jerks, I have been trying to establish an identity that would match with what they regard women for.
Crap! I feel so humiliated by having gone with this shit. I've codependently adjusted my self image to fit their sick phantasies, instead of recognising how sick they are.