So another relationshit is over, or rather another romantic disappointment happened. But something just occurred to me.. it seems that after Vipassana there is a theme that was not present before. Or do I just want to believe in it?
First of all, about me: I am freaking out much less. During and after. I am trying to look more often from the point of view of the other person. Things are less black and white. I am much more ready to accept what is. I see my reactions from a side, I do not identify with them. This time I really see how big part of the pain is contributed by the hurt ego. So I try to look at myself from the outside and realize how the importance of "me" is shrinking dramatically when the point of view is changed. I teach, I teach my ego that those tantrums are quite pointless. And always in the place of shrank ego, gratitude appears. Beautiful.
But there is another thing I wanted to write about. The kind of people I seem to get attracted to since. And I seem not to be able to understand why someone did not want me if we had this something "so special". And now it hit me: maybe what we had was not special at all, maybe this is how normal people connect? Maybe I started meeting slightly less toxic people, and have been getting all too excited about it? The fact that I was now able to see someone as they are, with their own wishes, dreams, plans, preferences, hurts - maybe it is not a sign that they are someone special to chase, maybe this is just so with everyone who has a sense of self. And yes, when I did not have my own sense of self I was not even able to pay attention to such people. Maybe I was only seeing others like me. Other zombies.
It still feels like getting my head above the fog now and then. Seeing things as they are, not how I want them to be or how I am afraid them of being. I am immensely happy that despite the breakup I am able to feel gratitude, despite the pain I can feel happiness and hope. Things feel "normal". The pain I am feeling is so much less awful than the emotional terror I used to live in before the change started to happen. I almost feel like I can face anything now, as nothing will be as bad as that place where I was before.