What is important for me from today's session:
There was something strange happening when I was a kid and my mother would come back from work: the whole house would get filled with light for next 2-3 hours, my dad would get out of his cave, start talking and laughing, I would feel like normal for these few hours.. but I knew that soon, at the nearest wrong sentence from my mother's or father's mouth they would have a fight, or my mum would go watch TV, or go to sleep if she had a headache, or go pick something up from the cellar, and I knew that at this moment the dark clouds would come back and my dad would retreat to his room and I would be sitting in my room, scared to go out, until the next day when she comes back from work. It's like a difference between a sunny day or a storm. And sometimes my mum would come back from work in a bad mood and then there would be no sun that day. That is why I was each day waiting anxiously for which of those days is today. This was f**ed up! The effect of the above is that nowadays I lack consistency of experience of connection with someone, meaning that every connection I knew was just temporary and fake, nevertheless I was trying to grab as much as I could out of it, before it would transition into horror, and each time it inevitably did. And this is my very pattern of relationships nowadays. And when at my last experience of grabbing the light and laughter from being close with someone and later I ended up stranded in my "room" again, I reacted with rage. I got drunk. I was crying and listening to sad songs about not needing anybody. I felt used, cheated, abused, played with. Even though on adult level we made the rules clear with that guy. But my inner child felt cheated again. It is a bit scary that I never experienced those feelings of anger as a child. I was suppressing them for survival.
Another thing is that my mum used to say a lot of words like "I love you", "I miss you", "You are my dearest", and when my first boyfriend said "I love you" I felt rage. I hated him for faking it. I remember shouting at him that it is not fine to throw empty words from a movie at someone dear, because I actually care. I never actually thought why I reacted so dramatically there but now I think it is because I learnt that those words mean "I want to use you". The coach asked me if I love my mother. I answered "I don't know, I know I should". She asked me if I ever felt loved by her. I didn't. Because there is something wrong with me I thought. She said that if I don't feel loved I am not loved. I never thought of it. I tried to reiterate all situations when someone told me they loved me and I didn't feel it, is it possible it was because they didn't? Yes it is. The coach also said that because I have learned to tell myself that someone loves me even though I really didn't feel it, or it didn't look like this at all, I do it also nowadays with men. I do not look at their actions, but only listen to words. Yes, very true. Also I have learned to suppress the feeling of being forcefully dragged into closeness because that is what my mother was doing. She was hugging me and kissing and I felt raped. Yes I remember this feeling very well, but I never told of it to anyone, because I thought I should not feel like this. I should enjoy her touch. But I remember well feeling sick of it, revolted. And I remember the same feeling kissing with a guy with whom I thought I should be kissing but not really wanting it. And I remember having sex with a guy with whom I didn't want it and feeling the very same feeling. And I remember telling someone "I love you" despite this very feeling. And telling my mum and dad "I love you" with the very same feeling. The feeling of being raped.
The question now is: how to stop putting the blame on me, and thinking that there is something wrong with me if I had all those feelings?
She says I should write everything down how i felt it, to validate it. I am afraid. As it is wrong, bad and nasty. She said something very profound:
I am the last person alive on this planet who still remembers what happened to the little me.
She also asked me what I needed from that guy when I felt rejected: I wanted him to acknowledge how I felt during that weekend. I wanted him to agree that it was great and amazing, and then I could move on. She pointed out that I wanted him to validate my reality and control his reaction to it just like my mother was behaving with me.