Beware of covert communication

I recently started paying attention to something that I would call covert communication with other people. I start to believe that the occurrence of such communication is itself a red flag which tells that the other person is also personality disordered. And people with some certain personality disorders may be dangerous.

What is covert communication? I invented that term for myself, based on another term: "covert contract". Covert contract is when you expect the other person in the relationship to do something or be the certain way, but you never verbalize it. You may not even be aware of it yourself, for example because if you verbalized it to yourself, it would be in conflict with what you consider your values. So you keep it in the subconsciousness. Then the other person may actually pick up such a hidden contract, and spice it up with their own covert contract in exchange. As the result you end up in a toxically-flavored relationship where both people maintain balance by behaving in certain unnatural to them ways and have no idea why they do so. The keyword here is "covert" which means "hidden".

Covert communication would be when you meet someone and immediately you realize that you just get them, even while using surprisingly few words. You feel like you can speak directly to them, without watching any basic rules of human interaction, without having to watch out not to hurt them, without being polite, without any small talk. You can just get straight to the point, anytime and anywhere. This can well resemble actual closeness, but it is not closeness. There is a difference to knowing each other so well and having been through so much together that the two understand each other almost without words, or having had very similar life experiences about which two people can understand each other instantly. This happens between people too, and this is beautiful, and this is not what I am writing about. One of the differences here is that covert communication happens "anytime and anywhere", and about any topic, so without regard of the other person's current emotional state. It actually happens without regard of the other person. You just throw out your unfiltered brain content, and know they won't get hurt, and they won't reject you. They then throw theirs, and you get it, even though you know that for someone else what they said would be unacceptable. Their hurtful words don't hurt you either, because they arrive in this artificially created context. This context is a certain covert contract, which goes like "I will be non critically taking your unfiltered brain content, and you will be taking mine". To sum up, covert communication is unfiltered communication happening under a covert contract of mutual agreement to it.

For a personality disordered person it is a very safe place to be. Up to recently I thought that this is the way I should feel in a truly close relationship. It creates a very strong illusion of closeness and intimacy, it creates the feeling of "us" (who understand each other) versus "them" (who are shocked at how we speak to each other), it allows you to feel entitled to that other person's inner world while they are entitled to yours. But this is a truly toxic exchange. I also believe that this is the tactic that narcissists deliberately use to create the illusion of instant strong bond that they will further exploit. And this is the reason why I wrote "beware" - recognizing it on time and cutting off can save you a lot of heartache later.

Normal communication:

		their agenda
		only their boundaries
		picked values
		self absorbtion
		vacuum

Convert communication does require significant level of open-mindlessness, to be able to take what arrives not personally and non critically. It is communicating directly with the core of the person instead of that person. Why is this a bad thing someone may ask. It's being as honest as it can get, shouldn't it be considered a virtue? Well, up to recently I also thought so. I thought that by speaking in an unfiltered way I am just being brutally honest, and honesty and truth is something I desire more than comfort. But the problem with covert communication is that it skips every personal boundary of the people involved. And boundaries are what define us. Such covert communication is a form of information exchange about what is in each other's head, but is not a form of getting to know the other person as a whole, it is not a form of bonding. It is not an interaction that helps anyone to be a better person. It is not a form of helping each other grow. It is purely information exchange: "here, this is my brain". "Okay, and here is mine". It is a very limited and poor way of communication. And it is worth mentioning, that while some people can do different styles of communication next to covert communication, some know covert communication only.

Second problem with covert communication is that it makes people very susceptible to manipulation. In order to maintain this level of communication one needs to stay non critical, and that is a perfect setting for feeding someone pretty bad shit. In that setting any person can take advantage of the other in a way that is not noticeable to them. Again, perfect tool for narcissists. When I look back at my own experience, every abuse was preceded by establishing covert communication standards.