I've been paying attention to my body sensations, and now I can actually clearly feel it: my whole body is aching inside. It's almost a physical feeling. It feels as if someone poured acid inside me and now it is spreading very slowly.
I had a relationship related CPTSD flashback last week. It always puts me into a state of constant freakout for at least 2 weeks. I feel the urge to smoke, get drunk, act it out. I found a very good article about the phenomena https://agileleanlife.com/emotional-flashbacks/.
But now I'm just trying to feel my what my body tells me, instead of freaking out. And not, I'm not holding a cube of ice in my hand, alternating cold and hot shower - I'm not doing any of the DBT distractions. Those are short term solutions, just less harmful than freaking out.
And there it is, acute chronic pain (oxymoron intended), all over my body, since one particular event last week.
And now what? I have to be honest and admit that I did not take time to sit with it. But I do not see it changing depending on whether I pay attention to it or not. I can definitely notice fluctuations as responses to external events or thoughts. It's crazy how many things make it worse. The male physiotherapist touching my leg and me thinking that he's bored as I'm not entertaining him with a conversation. I feel that him being big hairy male has a lot to do with it. Males at the workplace. A woman wearing shoes that my mother would like me to wear. Disapproving looks. Imagined thoughts of other people. Intrusive memories. Unwanted dreams.
Why I'm writing it:
  • It makes such a great difference for emotionally imbalanced people to actually know the concepts and labels for what they feel. Have I not known about CPTSD: how a flashback can be triggered, and how it is normally experienced, I would just conclude that I'm freaking out again for no reason and that I'm fucked up.
  • Again I confirmed that watching bodily sensations makes a lot of sense, probably more sense than healthy distractions, because it makes me learn.