Of course you can't have a RELATionship if you can't RELATe. Obvious like fuck but took me some time. If people are avatars to me I don't relate. I live in a fantasy land. In a dream. Nothing is real. I'm in the fucking bubble. If I can't relate then of course I won't notice that someone is unable to relate either. And vice versa, if someone who is able to relate actually tries they will soon realize that I'm unable, and so they'll leave me.
I've recently written shortly to one person that actually tried in the past and his long email back triggered quite many reflections. Firstly, I have treated him exactly like I have always felt that men treat me - as if he had no feelings, no emotions, as if he was a hologram, not a person. I've done it quite purposefully - because I could. Because I did not go crazy about him, as he did not trigger my "being abused" response in any way. And at this point I realize: there's not much other ways I can feel about a man in a romantic context: either they don't actually exist or I'm obsessed about them. But where's the relating? Seeing the other person for another person. I guess I'm unable. I guess what I'm trying to write about is intimacy.
I've always felt really blurry and uncomfortable thinking about what happened with this person back then. Now I'm thinking he just freaked me out. I had absolutely no idea what to do with someone who actually wants to get to know me but does not stalk me, who tries to get close physically but does neither use force nor emotional blackmail.. I felt all kinds of emotions, many of them were uncomfortable. Many emotional flashbacks. I was regressing to my 15, 10, 5 years old me. I'm still trying to process it now.
It also strikes me when I now try to imagine that his actions or words were true. It's funny how he's addressed many topics in which I've always felt self conscious.