For some reason I just got another breakdown. A long lasting flashback. I am trying to track it back and I remember a moment of thinking "oh, remember the times of freaking out, it was so pleasant to dissociate and put on any mask that I feel like wearing today". Yes, it's like smoking a cigarette after long time of no smoke. This time it's connected to dating. Of course shit would come out once I start doing something in this area. I knew it, didn't I?
It just feels so demotivating as I feel like I am back at the start again. The only difference is that now I am asking myself: wait, how did it actually happen?
I am not interacting from my true self with men, oh no for sure. It is that mask. A whole library of them. What comes out in the end looks pretty much like borderline.
Fear. Is the emotion.
It is funny how I could actually take my whole emotional state when I am standing next to a guy in a club and just think that each smallest detail about it comes form something my father did or didn't do when I was around 5 years old. Every unpleasant way I feel about myself in that context comes not from me but from something that happened to me.