I have been writing this blog for more than a year now. I put here all my discoveries or weird emotional experiences on a foggy way to something I at the time thought was recovery from CPTSD. I made however a major mistake: I gave the blog's address to a couple of male friends who'd immediately start writing me private messages as soon as I would post something about feeling hopeless or about my romantic experiences with other men. To the point where I had to stop it. I started feeling as if after I gave a blog's address to someone, then everything I write had to be censored, and I couldn't write anything that I would not want to tell them in person, and everything I write would affect my relationship with that person. So no more letting my friends know about my blogs.
Since I've stopped writing my state has definitely gone worse. So I want to come back to writing. Publicly, because only this gives me the motivation, to know that someone else by some chance may have been or be in the future in a similar point in time. Maybe I can help someone or maybe I can be helped.
Now I face a major dilemma: shall I start a new blog, or continue this one? If I abandon this one I will feel that so much of my work has gone in vain. I will also not be able to keep that continuity of my own story which exactly what has been taken away from me as a kid. That is why I will continue here. And I ask the people who know me to either not read this blog anymore (which I would strongly prefer), or to be aware that:
  • What I write here about is not necessarily something I want to talk with you about. That is why before you start commenting to me privately about what I wrote, please make sure I do want to talk about it with you. For example if I write that I feel like I want to die, I don't want you calling me asking if I am fine. If I wanted you to call me I would tell you.

  • Do not treat this blog as a way of keeping in touch with me. If i am writing here about my intimate experiences it does not mean that I am intimate with you. The blog, my life, and our relation are three different and separate things. If you want to know what is happening in my life, then please call me, go for a beer with me.
Borders is something I have been struggling with till today, that is why it is important to keep them up also when it comes to this blog. And I am tired of being silenced in many ways, that is why I will continue to write here.