Calmness

What is really amazing is that recently it started happening¹ to me that

And this feeling does not compare to anything else that I have experienced so far. This is the calmness I felt when my mother would hug me after I have been crying and scared that she has given up on me. This calmness that I would feel when meeting a very dear friend and being comforted by them. This calmness which I would feel when someone dear to me hugs me. This gratefulness that this person that I know to their depths is here next to me and sharing themselves with me. I get the same feeling but about myself. For the first time. And the difference to the above is that at the same time I do not feel the fear that someone will take it away from me, because it comes from within me.

It's been only glimpses of such moment so far. But I already realise how disconnected from myself I have been, and still I am most of the time. It's like sitting in a quiet room reading a book and suddenly hearing a sound realising that there was someone sitting all this time in the same room just behind the cupboard. It's almost as meeting a new person who you instantly like, and then you realise that this person will never, ever leave you, as it's you. And this, dear reader, this is the answer to the borderline's problem.

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