I have just come back from an unsuccessful skiing attempt. I couldn't do it. It was too hot and my jacket was too thick, I was boiling. I came back extremely angry that I couldn't go earlier, as I planned, when the weather was cooler, because a friend asked me to take care of her kid for an hour. She asked in the most unfortunate time, so an hour before the time I was planning to leave. That meant not only that I couldn't go, but I had to wait one hour idle, till I actually could help her with the kid. Would she ask me 2 hours before I'd be able to go and be back by that time. Would she want me to take care of it immediately one hour would not make such a big difference. But no. At least 2 hours delay and I already knew that may mean cancelling my long planned trip that I was so excited about.
And now I'm wondering: where did it all go wrong? I'm staying at that friend, so not wanting to help with the kid for 1 hour would be mean, right? They're giving me food and accommodation. She has not slept that night. Her husband is at work. How selfish is it of me to be now upset?!
Well let me describe to you how I got here. As I've tracked it back and what I've found out is pretty screwed up. But I swear that this is the way I actually live my life. It's called codependency.
When my friend asked me about the kid I found it hurtful. I was disappointed that they didn't consider my plans important. The important piece of information is that I never told them about my skiing trip plan. Why? Because I know how tired the friend is and how little time she has for skiing. She had been complaining that she went only twice this year, for a few minutes. So I didn't want to make her feel bad and jealous by telling about my trip. I kept it for myself. I also didn't say about it when they mentioned I could help with the kid. Because I thought that if they had a sleepless night, my plan would sound pretty lame. What I had in my head was something like "How important do you think your plans are to them?! Who cares about your plans?! You could be useful for once! The kid is more important than your stupid skiing". So I agreed to help, hoping I could still make it to the skiing.
The next thing is: if I had an actual sports jacket, I could still go skiing in warmer weather. Why I couldn't just ask if they could borrow me one? The reply goes like this "It's your problem you can't prepare properly, don't put it on others!", and "And what do you think they'll answer, 'no, we won't lend you'? Of course they'd lend you, even if that's the last thing they want to do - as it's impolite to refuse. Have the minimum decency and don't put them in that situation!".
I was also very angry at myself that I was so stupid not to have prepared properly to that trip. As why I didn't take the sports jacket? Because it wouldn't fit in my hand luggage. And why I actually didn't take a checked in luggage? Because I didn't want to make trouble. My friend was picking me up from the airport and that would mean up to 20 minutes longer wait. Plus having to put that suitcase in the trunk of their car. That's what my dad hates. Plus having that suitcase on the floor in their apartment, maybe standing in their way. That's what my mum hates. It's not random excuses it's actually what I have thought about beforehand. I even considered buying a suitcase and all needed clothing after arrival in a local store, but since it turned out to be far from their home they'd have to help me out with a car - which is again, making trouble. "No one will drive a princess around!".
The fact I had a headache did not help. And why I had a headache? I know.. the day before after going to sleep I remembered I forgot to wash my face and that my water bottle is empty. After few minutes hesitation I decided to go to the bathroom, as silently as I could, as everyone else was sleeping. After I came back from bathroom and closed the door to my room as silently as I could, I realised the water bottle is not in my room anymore. I must have forgotten it. I was feeling very stressed: on one hand I knew I was dehydrated (I don't normally feel thirst, but I knew how much fluids I had that day and could recognize a heavy feeling in my head), and last time when that happened I had a 24 hour migraine attack, on the other hand I was imagining my friends being on the verge of rage because of me making noises at night. My parents used to do that. So I tried to fall asleep despite being dehydrated. I told myself "Who is stupid will suffer".
I could also take a painkiller. The problem is I already took a few from them, and "They are not my pharmacy!". On the other hand if I bought my own painkillers they could consider it offensive that I'm not asking for theirs. And they'd notice I'm going out and ask where I'm going and what I need and I don't like lying.
So here I am, coming home after having given up on skiing, having chills from the cold wind after I took off my jacket, wet from sweat, with headache, extremely upset, and on top on that feeling guilty for not being in a suitable state now to spend more time with my friend. "It's so rude to come back and lock yourself up in the room. Do you think it's a hotel?! You could at least spend some time with them. This is so selfish".
This is so exhausting. That's why I prefer to spend time in my own. Maybe I'm indeed not an introvert I just never figured out how to have boundaries. How to stop that nagging voice in my head