I have not really believed it for a long time, but what strucks me recently is not reading about psychology in this context, but watching vlogs of diagnosed people.. and it really became a thing recently in my mind, that perhaps I am different, perhaps most people function completely differently, and this was the source of the constant feeling of "not getting the rules of the game", and having this double version of reality?
This is actually something I feel really enthusiastic about: to point out that how things look from outside is different how they feel from inside. I already wrote about how depression feels different on the inside.. and I am almost angry that the medical field is only focusing on the outside symptoms. Each set of symptoms should have two versions: inside and outside. So that the person who is depressed could actually identify it themselves. Then there could be less suicides.. ok, back to the topic.
Since I for the first time conceptualized this thing in my mind - that I may actually think differently - I realized my behavior changes! It brings to my mind the DBT therapy, there somehow they presented a set of strategies of how to deal with everyday situations, but designed for regular people. It worked for me and didn't really at the same time. What I am doing now is like finding my own DBT rules.. in other words, the idea of rules and structuring human interactions really appealed to me, but the suggested application did not feel authentic. I start to identify the moments in my thinking when I tell myself "it must be obvious to everyone else but me", and instead of staying quiet, or behaving as if I expected everyone else around to not get it either, I just say "sorry, for some reason I still don't get this". To make the emphasis on the difference, make the difference explicit. This is so counter intuitive to what anyone would advise, right? Instead of thinking "No one would understand why it is extremely hard for me, so I will just apologize put myself down as much as I can", I try to express that it was indeed difficult for me, in a way that people can relate to. An example recent reason was "because I somehow felt very shy". Who would not understand feeling shy? I think anyone can relate.. and if they would never assume I could feel shy in this particular situation, I can just TELL THEM. I am no longer a child, who they may just not believe. I am now an adult, and people have to either believe what I say or go away. That is the root of the entanglement of childhood CPTSD and Asperger's I think, the invalidation in childhood carries on to adulthood and cannot be resolved in a way that it was supposed to be resolved, because there is no neurotypical person there, there never was! For example, the patient is encouraged to be authentic and see how people will start to value that, and instead he again re-experiences people being shocked and/or offended. That is why the therapies don't work, they seem to be in the right direction, but not really. Everything seems to be "as if", but not really. That could really be the answer. Just make "being different" the starting point. It seems that everything is falling into place if I start from here.