I always thought I'm not any close to that kind of person, but it turns out that having the two very issues have successfully kept me stuck in a toxic way of communicating with people, and destroying relationships with them. And for sure have kept me from learning.
First, this belief I had is false:
People who can't take negative feedback always do so because they think too highly of themselves and can't stand to admit to a mistake.
Well, perhaps it's true for some people.. but definitely not for me. Believing that this could be the only reason having issues with feedback was making me think I can't have issues there, since I'm already so self critical towards myself.
But the mechanism works differently. It's a kind of exaggerating filter: when someone says "you did it wrong" I hear them saying "this is unacceptable, you did it wrong, and you should die". Of course I become defensive! Of course I take it personally! Someone is just telling me I should die?! Because what, because I did a mistake? Who doesn't make mistakes? I'm a human I can make mistakes! Why is it so terrible suddenly?! Why other people can make mistakes and they are not told they should die? Why me?! I want to have the right to make mistakes too.
I hear a lot of extra information which just is not there most of the time. Often I assume malicious intentions, I scan for sarcasm or irony. In short,
I assume someone wants to shame me.
And this assumed intention makes me defensive and hurt. And it's no longer about what I did wrong, but about what someone else is doing to me right now.
It's so simple but somehow was not clear for such a long time.