Digging inside yourself pays off

I don't know if it is a long lasting effect of Vipassana, or the fact that I have actually decided that I do want to get better. Cross that out, I want to recover, regardless of what it takes.

Nothing happens without a reason. Stupid Bollywood movie and one scene where the girl says that her father didn't love her as he wanted a son and she tried so hard to be his son that now no guy can see a woman in her. Kind of obvious and lame but I think the first time I saw this situation from a third person's point of view and for the first time I actually got it that it was not the girl's fault that she was not a boy.

Another scene where a guy says how it is to grow without a father knowing that he abandoned him and his mother. And that made me think of something: what about a father that abandons you every single day? If he abandoned you once, you can imagine that he hates you or maybe he loves you, there are probably days when you imagine the worse, the days when you imagine the better, and most days you do not think about him. It's mostly questions without answers. But what about instead of it you see him every single day, and every single day he comes back from work, looks gloomily at you and without a word goes to his room. You then get the answer every day, and the message is very clear "you are piece of shit to me, you're not even worth the effort for me to say hi". What if you have been waiting in a state of fear until then and after that you are waiting in a state of fear until your mother comes back, to make the home atmosphere normal. To spread the very desired lie that we are a normal and happy family. To protect you from him.¹ Until she comes home everything is a mine field, you're afraid to go to toilet so you're holding the pee up. How such a thing must screw the child up? Is this why I have such trouble with waiting for a boyfriend to come visit me at home? It literally feels like waiting for the father. Building up fear. It's Pavlov effect.

And now the revelation: the feeling of being inadequate and disgusting as a woman, this very core feeling that I have always had about myself - this was how he would make me feel! This was his projection on me, and I took it, I ate this shit up, and it took it as my identity! It did not come from me, it came from him, and had nothing to do with me! The feeling that I always have in any relationship: that this person will leave me and that they do not care, because I am disgusting, because I am a girl - it is exactly the same feeling I had about my father! The way I see men now is the way I saw my father as a child, one to one! It was hard to realise because there is nothing else I know beyond that, so there is nothing to compare it to. But I think that the Bollywood movie plus my recent increased sensitivity at least gave me the hint that there must be something beyond that. I did not see beyond my matrix, but I again touched the walls of it.

I also suspect that the huge amount of hate towards men who I allowed to hurt me in the same way that he did - this is the repressed hate towards him. If I take every single hateful thought I have after my breakup now and direct it at my father as it is - oh man, it feels so right, it feels so right on the spot.

I have been now trying to imagine this feeling of inadequacy as a small girl and then tell myself that this is not me, this is his perspective on me, and that I am something far beyond that. But then comes the question: what am I then? It is so hard to get there. It feels like trying to imagine a new colour. Or to pull yourself up just by pulling your own arm up. But I am now convinced that if only I managed to get there, my life would be so much different. I would actually be able to enjoy it.

I have been feeling my whole left side of the upper body today. Few weeks earlier I noticed while doing the body sensations DBT exercise that I almost do not feel anything in my left side of the upper body. Even when I looked at the human model of myself that I drew, the right shoulder has been significantly bigger than the left one. Now I can feel my left shoulder. And I am now reading that emotionally the left side of the body is the feminine side. Emotions are fascinating.

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