I do not know why it took me so long to actually find out which one of the insecure attachment styles I have. I remember during last breakup this feeling: "I want to hug him", "No, he is the danger", "I want to hug him", "No, he is the danger", and I was just lying there thinking "this is hopeless, I am not getting out of this situation, I am in an infinite loop, AGAIN". Of course I did get out of it. But that familiar feeling of hopelessness and logical knowledge that this "hug thing" is about "attachment style" made me connect the dots.. and it took all the time till now to actually look it up.
Yep, disorganized. I have watched this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HiREevI-A8. I find it the most helpful till now. And next, this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yBJMWYIYvc. The most important points:
  • a relationship does not need to be the solution, the solution can also be a somatic therapy;
  • what should help is people who do not smother me but also are not leaving me; this is funny as indeed that is how I see most of my friends as;
  • disorganized attachment is about abuse; either me being abused or someone close to me being abused when I was a child (as the child sees no difference);
  • I need to find situations where I feel safe;
  • routine and schedules are good for me (I knew it!);