I've always dreamt of a successful distant one. I even thought it would be great to have children in this manner - me in Europe, he in Asia, Africa, South America, whatever.. Meeting three times per year for an awesome sex in a limited frame of intimacy. Me shipping kids to him, he shipping them to me, without actually having to deal with each other. I thought that this would be an ideal life for me. An ambitious unusual life. And yes maybe it would work out, if only I would find someone unreachable enough who could commit to this equally to me, who would be willing to create a parallel illusion of a relationship with me, just like I would vow to maintain the illusion of relationship with him. Till death parts us.
That was my relationship blueprint. That's what I've been subconsciously looking for. Someone who will not offer me intimacy. Someone safe (intimacy is not safe when you grew up in a dysfunctional family). A relationship that I could fully control as it would exist only in my head. I was ready to sacrifice everything for it, in a dogmatic way. I was ready to become whatever it would need me to become. When I look back I see that all my adult relationships were built this way. Looking for someone who would like to join me in pretending that we're together.
And when I now think of my childhood, it was a childhood with the father locked behind the door in front of TV and my mum telling us how much he loved us. I really preferred him to stay there behind that door, because as soon as he'd be out it would be to shout at us or look with his killer sight. So loving my father and feeling loved by him was only possible when he wasn't there, or at least wasn't paying attention to us.
Ah, so that's where my dream about distance relationship came from..