Just recently a situation happened that very well resembled a traumatic situation from my childhood. I wasn't aware how traumatic it was until now. Someone wanted to help me and instead humiliated me: both back then and yesterday. As it often is with emotional flashbacks both situations were symbolically very similar though totally different on a factual level. I'm in an emotional flashback second day already. I'm trying to use the chance and mine more information about how that felt:
I feel humiliated. Powerless. Hopeless. Stuck. Invaded with no possibility of defense, so I just accept the attack. I don't fight back. I feel paralyzed. I start to feel dizzy, foggy. I know others are seeing the whole situation and even though they feel sorry for me they can do nothing to help me. I imagine I'm not visible to them. I accept I'm invaded I accept I'm being humiliated. I'm angry at the person who did it but I can't do anything about it. I can't fight back because I need to play along, because we're in a certain context, where it would be too disruptive to protest. That person who humiliated me is standing behind me and to my right.
And what additionally happened in the past, not yesterday, was that very moment of accepting it I realised that from now on it would always be part of my reality. That from now on I'd be defined by what happened. That from then on I was defined as shy, unable, incompetent, not knowing for herself, not having a decision power, not having a voice, not having a right to be autonomous. That from now on my life's purpose in addition to not causing any problem was to be people's bitch. I felt I lost my life. 8 years old and I realised I've already lost my life.
Grief. What followed was grief. That's why I was crying so much at that time. That's why suicidal thoughts were the next logical step. I wish I could somehow undo that damage now. Over 1 year of intensive work on myself and again I feel like I did back when I was a kid. It feels like a regress but I really hope it's just another step towards healing. In a way my recent flashbacks seem to follow an inverse timeline.