Emotional Intelligence - it was just the beginning
Posted on March 12th, 2023
So something occurred to me. I spent a big portion of my life learning to notice my emotions, to name them, to express them, describe them, analyse them, connect them, and understand them.
But in the end, this is such a tiny part of emotional intelligence. Because while I can describe with vivid details about how I am hurting because of someone's action, I still have no idea whether that action was done on purpose or not. And I don't know what to do with all this information about how I feel. And I don't understand why someone did what they did. And if they are aware how I feel, or how to express how I fell, or whether I am even allowed to express how I feel. I have no idea of this person's internal monologue, and I am unable to connect the dots to see their intention. I always assume good intention and possibly confusion, someone being just overly emotional or overwhelmed, even if they in fact they were just trying to hurt me.
I feel again like I did when I understood what I would have to learn to be a good people manager: I just went out of the forest, thinking I am almost there, and next I see a huge dessert in front of me. I just want to turn back, but this time I cannot. I am not even sure where to start.
So now I know why I was hurt very badly 3 years ago, it took me 3 years to connect the dots. And the reason seems to be so.. simple, and I cannot believe that someone who I considered normal could not see a basic fault in their own thinking and therefore behavior. Something where I felt I am lacking since childhood and mocked by my parents, exactly the place where I have been putting all my efforts to be at least normal, seems lacking for other people too. Then why was I so behind everyone?
It feels like I just can't keep the step, I am either ahead or behind.