I am not sure what just happened and why, but I have recently noticed on multiple occassions when having made a mistake I was able to actually admit that I misjudged a situation and hence the mistake. Before this didn't occur. I would often take the blame, but I would not fully understand what just hapened. And now once I admit to myself I made a mistake resulting from inaccurate judgement it does not feel bad, it actually feels relieving, because it explains why what happened happened. Somehow before I was not able to create an idea in my head that I could, just like anyone else, see or hear someting wrong, oversee something, mishear something, forget something, mix something up. Before when I was faced with a possibility that it is me who made a mistake I saw it as a proof that I AM WRONG, and I am wrong on purpose, and I deserve hate and I should die. No wonder my brain was resisting admitting I made a mistake. But recently I realised that it is a valid reality scenario that I misjudged a situation and made wrong decision THAT LEAD TO THE MISTAKE. I am not the mistake, I caused the mistake. I am not wrong, what I thought at the moment was wrong. Those pairs were previously inseparated in my head.

It was actually similar to how I saw and thought of other people very long time ago, and it took me some learning to understand that when a person makes a mistake they do so not by their choice, in principle. But to apply this to myself took me another 20+ years.

I don't think it stems from something narcisstic-like. I see the root of the problem was my way of all-or-nothing algoritmical thinking. I would treat everything literally and algoritmically, so if someone does something they must have intended so. As a kid I did not understand the nuances in human behavior. Ah, how may times I have accussed someone of lying when they said something wrong, or not keeping a promise deliberatery when they forgot about something! And this is very interesting that I did not come up with those ideas based on how I am, because I am also not like that, as it seems now, I have been suffering a lot by trying to put myself into that alorithmic box. Where did I get this idea from and why has it sinked so deeply?

It is as if a kid is watching a discovery channel and asking why that giraffe wanted to be eaten by the lion, suggesting it was suicidal. Because if it didn't want to die, then why did it go out of the bush when the lion was there. This is complete inability to understand the invisible intention behind the visible action, which may stem from inability to put oneself into someone else's perspective. Yes, I think this inability of mine was visible a lot when I was a child. What is interesting, I have not even been able to look from MY OWN perspective, I have been trying to look from the generic one, and if I didn't see it, I was trying to create it in my mind. That is why having mirror neurons and having someone else's emotion replicated in my body helped nothing. I do have capacity for empathy, but I was so disconnected even from myself that feeling someone else how I would feel myself didn't mean anything for the other person.

As a child I was indeed preoccupied thinking about humanity and society, never about my jumper or a toy. I would have to generalise and impersonalize anything before I could put it in my head. Impersonalization is a very good keyword here. When I saw a butterfly I would start thinking about ways to fly. When I built a lego house I would be proud of the construction design, not that there is a bed where the little guy can sleep. When I was playing with dolls, I was analysing how the fabric is prepared while making clothes, how the eyes and hair were manufactured, not imagining that she has a life. I don't even think I got it at the beginning that a doll is a replica of a human, it was a complex piece of plastic for me. When I was watching a cartoon in the TV I would be coming closer and observing the little red, green and blue points, and then moving further away and seeing how those change into picture, instead of being concerned that the Pooh has run out honey. I liked to watch Smurfs as I liked to observe the design of the houses, but I had no clue about the characters. Only when I grew up I made the connection between their names and their behavior, and I realised that there is indeed exactly one Smurf with each name in the village. It is this weird way of thinking that may be root the cause of all my issues now.

This is big. That would mean that I could be happy and self confident, not DESPITE of how I am, but how I am. So far I have always been trying to reach that content place DESPITE of how I am (with brief failed attempts at fixing how I am). It is like living in a land of people with brown eyes having blue eyes and thousand of surgeries to fix the eyes, and suddenly arriving at an island full of blue eyed people. It's is that very feeling of "why the hell did I spend so much effort to change something that was totally normal".