I have read relatively a lot about the mechanism of developing false self recently, which is normally happening to children as the effect of an abuse. But I could not get my head around it. When I thought about my "self", the term "false" seemed to go well with it, but that was the most that I could come to initially.
Then I was telling my therapist how I do not think that learning DBT skills (even though is super useful) can ever solve the main underlying problem of not knowing who I am and not caring about it. Then we were talking a bit about self esteem, and how hard it is to see yourself in another way, to change your identity. And then she said:
It is hard, as first you have to give something away, and be left with a kind of a big hole inside you, and only then you can start filling it with other things.
Woa, I think that was perfect way of putting in words what exactly I was trying not to do. I was hoping that there is some trick, method, maybe even some secret DBT skill, that could seamlessly transform me from a low self esteem weirdo to a self confident accomplished woman. Nope. Well, good to know, at least I will not waste more time trying to find an easy way.
And the most recent realisation that I had today - it blew my mind, I am still not sure if I am correct, but: all my adult life I have been struggling with the feeling that the other people constantly mistake me for someone who I am not. They often seem to think that I am funny, extravert, social, outgoing, nice, pleasant to be around, while all I am is terrible, miserable, and desperately trying to hack the reality to survive yet another day. And it happens with the closest friends too, "they just don't get me" I used to think, I was getting angry at them, I was asking myself if they are really my friends. And today I thought:
What if I take all the things I have heard about me, and say that this is the true me, and everything that I ever thought about myself is in fact the false self?
Ha! that would be indeed very logical, though feels weird, but yes it is logical.. of course false self will feel to me like the true self, and will not be in sync with what other people think about me. I think I just noticed another "elephant in the room".
Another example to support this, and which probably helped me to get on this thought train - once in a while I play music with a bunch of people, just for fun, and for several months since we started I never had the courage to listen to the recordings of what we played. I was convinced that it sounded terribly bad, out of tune, ouf of rhythm, just really, better if we didn't waste the air and space by being there in the band room. I was ashamed of ourselves. And then I accidentally listened to one recording. It was great! I was playing great! Other people were playing even better! Shit! I mean, not great as for a professional, but great as for just fooling around. It was just pleasant to listen. And then my jaw dropped, as I thought about the huge gap between what I thought I was and what I really was. This gap I believe was like 70% of the whole spectrum from the worst to the best. It's huge! You can be biased 5%, maybe 10%, but I was biased 70%! It's just.. yea it really made me start questioning my own beliefs about myself.. I also started asking myself when I hear a compliment: "is it actually possible that they mean it?".