Fear of abandonment

Fear of abandonment - was the undeniable symptom that made me consider BPD. Today it occurred to me that this fear is somewhat flat, somehow repetitive and predictable. And that the narration behind it has the very same voice, each time. And this voice is saying the same things. I asked myself: could this be an emotional flashback?

I asked myself: when did I feel like this when I was a child? And immediately I remembered myself being stuck in a situation where my mother is waiting for me to express a need to connect with her so that she can ostentatiously withdraw her attention and demonstrate her rejection, in an almost theatrical way. A bit bizarre. But then I realised: I can totally imagine her using such strategy as a "educational method". I may have done something she did not approve of, and that was her way of teaching me not to do it again. Cruel.

How did I feel, as a small child?

I probably never made connection between what I did wrong and her withdrawal. The only thing I made connection to was me needing her. That would explain why people would call me a withdrawn kid, even though I did not feel that way. I learned not to show I like/need someone. Because I would be afraid of losing them. Later my mother would complain I do not show her affection. I never learned to show affection. I learned to hide everything. I would hide my love to her from her, as I thought she is the one who wants to punish me for it. Damn that explains so much.. that explains why I would feel guilty and hide when I was preparing a gift for her. That would explain why I would never ask her to stay with me in the evening, but pretend I can't fall asleep without her holding my finger when I lied in the crib. I did not need her to hold my finger I needed to know she is there for me, without me showing I needed her. I remember so well this feeling of relief mixed with guilt. Feeling sorry and happy at the same time, because she was getting sleep deprived. And I remember thinking to sleep "mum, don't worry, I promise you, one day I won't need you anymore.. just this one more night".

Shit, this is super sad. What was I, 5? 7?

And this is exactly my relationships pattern nowadays. As soon as I start caring about someone, I get convinced that this person is waiting for me to express it so that they can theatrically reject me. Liking or loving someone makes me feel guilty. Damn, this is the clear sign that something is off, isn't it? I also repeat this falling asleep with the finger trick: trying to fabricate situations where I would get someone's attention in a sneaky way, feeling both happy and sorry about it, and promising to myself that I am going to withdraw soon, very soon.

I need to do a visualization exercise on that. But I am afraid of failing if I do it on my own. It is currently creating an overlay on the reality for me, and making me unable to see things normally. Procrastination.