Another narcissistic trait that I have observed in myself: I enjoy seeing people in strong emotional states. Whether the state is positive or negative does not really matter. As long as their emotional state does not put me in danger, of course.
Maybe I am actually slowly going across the line between actual narcissist and a normal person in my analyses - as in the end I believe that there is no line between being normal and having narcissistic traits, it's a gradient. So I do not consider this so much odd, as I think that all of us do have this capability to a certain extent. It's enough to look at the topics in the news. Or some stupid reality shows.
But still, it interests me why I felt almost high watching someone genuinely moved by some unfortunate event. I was watching this guy and realising that I am getting dopamine shots from it. What the hell? It felt.. hmm, relieving? It felt like ..he enabled me to experience emotions through him? Maybe.. I started asking myself if this pleasant feeling is familiar and yes, images from my previous relationships popped up, where I was indeed starting a fight or an unpleasant situation in order to get that reaction from the other person. It scares me as I write it. Yes, I felt that if I don't get a reaction it is as if it was not real. It was sometimes testing if they love me, but sometimes just a way to feel a stronger emotion. And yes, seeing desperation and total helplessness in the eyes of the loved one was giving me the highest levels of satisfaction. Seeing someone who is totally devastated but still not able to leave because of their feelings for me. I remember the feeling, it went like "Yes! This is exactly how you should feel. Finally!". Borderline it is, yeah. And I was myself not aware I was doing it.
Hmm.. actually those two things I wrote above: "he enabled me to experience emotions through him" and "seeing desperation and total helplessness". Isn't helpless and desperate and not able to leave how I felt as a child? Isn't it trying to replicate this emotional state in someone else to feel that it was real and I am not just crazy? Is it possible that this is the mechanism behind NPD? That they make people feel as awful as they felt as a child, to outsource the emotions they are not willing to process themselves.
What does it mean for me? The guy in the video was saying about not being able to stand up for his child when someone was saying bad things about them. Does it not say that I feel ashamed about not being able to stand up for myself?
It is an interesting game now: whenever someone ignites a very negative emotional state in me, I can they easily see what they are trying to escape from themselves. The topic of emotional manipulation is truly fascinating.