I remember this feeling, around 5th grade. Standing in the school corridor, observing other children, and thinking "why am I unable to have friends even though my parents say I'm smart and pretty?". I was really puzzled. I was seeing the other children having no problem in bonding, socializing, just walking up and talking to each other, expressing themselves, laughing, and I just knew I am not able to do any of this. I was not scared of them, I felt sympathy for them and I understood how their interactions work, but I just could not see myself being part of it. I felt like an alien. Back then I developed a theory that you can either be physically active and brave or be a good student and a nice girl - but never both. And there she was. She. She was pretty, had good grades, was good at sports and was the centre of social attention. This one day I was staring at her with my eyes wide open, shocked at what I have just realised - having friends and being smart is not mutually exclusive! I was not jealous, I was stunned by my discovery. Then I started asking myself: what is it that I am missing to be like her and like the other children? What is this "thing" that I am missing? I was observing them and her and I started to feel something like a hole inside of me, the place where I should have the capability they had but I didn't. It just was not there. I took it really hard on myself that I could not develop it on my own.
Now I know what it was that I didn't have. I did not have my parents' support when I was growing up. I did not feel that I could count on them, and as a result I did not learn how it feels to count on people. At home I would be laughed at and ridiculed rather than taken seriously. I did not feel treated like a worthy little person, I felt more like some weird kind of pet, alternating with a servant. My parents did not teach me that it is safe to express myself as any self expression was punished at home. How on Earth could I have made up for that deficit on my own? It was not a simple shyness, it was just an empty place where there should be self esteem. It was not knowing that I had the right to live. Yes, that was the time where the suicidal thoughts started.