How did it come to this point? I was so enthusiastic and full of energy. I thought I got to know the real me, and that the old me died. Yes, this was true.. but what happened next? I brought the real me back down to the ground. It is like a toxic person being in a relationship: no matter how good partner they find, they will bring them to the ground. That toxic person is myself. It's me and my inner critic. I can spend hours, days, weeks on improving my self esteem and then destroy it all in a moment of not being focused enough. What I have built was so fragile. I feel like each time I am falling even lower than I thought was even possible. The only difference is that now I have less illusions. Not sure if it is better really.
This whole healing from codependency is bullshit. It just does not work this way.
Something is going on but I do not yet know what. I have this huge feeling of despair inside that I am trying to escape how I only can. I do not know what it is and where it came from. Yes it does feel familiar though.
It's the feeling of:
  • end
  • emptiness
  • shit
  • hopelessness
  • shame
All those feelings are so loud. I am projecting other people's thoughts on me, and I am aware of it, and still it is happening. Those projected thoughts are awful. I think anyone not used to this and being subjected to them for one day would end up killing themselves.
What is coming up in imaginary work sessions for me:
  • me letting my parents down on something I should have never been made responsible for
  • me being inadequately punished for having made a minor mistake
  • my parents criticizing and making fun of my character traits, which objectively are neutral
I also have a lot of hatred for my body.