Yes in the end paying attention to the unpleasant feelings was worth it. First I noticed that I'm feeling down, then I noticed that there was this particular emotion wearing me down, then I asked myself where it was in the body, then I forgot about the emotion and focused only on the body sensation, and then I asked myself: what is it? The answer was instant: it's abuse.
This weird feeling of not being enough or being exciled is a derivative of abuse. I'm guessing that the following process takes place:
  1. You hurt me
  2. I hurt
  3. You see me hurt
  4. You turn your head away
  5. It must be my fault
That's abuse. Excessive guilt is a sign of abuse! I always knew this psychological fact but only now I feel that it's so true.
So what to do now? Go back to the body and name it. Name it name it name it. Label it. So that next time when I feel this body sensation I will have this label popping right in front of my eyes. I have been denying abuse for too long, I need to learn to name it.
One more thing that is bizarre is that it's easier for me to stand abuse than my fears that someone will leave me. Abuse is at least concrete, is defined, fear is undefined. That's why when I got into an abusive relationship I felt relief - I no longer had to worry that someone will leave me as they enjoyed abusing me. That was of course not conscious choice (also their abuse was not conscious I guess), but that explains why I felt relieved yet still bad.