Back from another social battle. Yes it may sound dramatic to the outside, but why not to give it real names. It is a struggle, each time, to actually walk next to my colleagues not knowing what to talk about and yet stay alert enough so that I can respond in case there was something to say for me. At each moment of that event I felt I want to get out. It's like sitting on an anthill, pretending all is good. This happens so often that I started to think it is normal. Sometimes I go to toilet and stay there a few minutes longer, just to have a break from that suffering. Especially if the women's line is one that gets randomly long. Then I have a good excuse. People then ask me "where were you?". Another good excuse is when I have already drunk a lot, then it is easy for them to believe that I just could not find the way back, or fell asleep in the bathroom. But I just needed a break. From them.
How is this normal for me that I am experiencing it every day? How do other people around can live without this constant anxiety? How wonderful life would feel if I could just say what I want to say, any time I want to say it.. if people would get my intentions and not think that I am just self centered or arrogant?
To be honest I think people get it, on some subconscious level. But because them behaving in a way that is in accordance with my state would look quite bizarre, it does not get to anyone's active attention. What I need is a lot of acceptance and reassurance, and this is not how you talk to an adult. This is how you talk to a child. This is why a normal person does not get this information making it to their consciousness. And this is probably for the good, I would be very ashamed if someone started talking to me like this. Yet some people do feel the impulse. I see it. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it makes me ashamed. It is though never enough to get me out of this state.
A zombie. In the morning I was thinking I am actually quite happy, and everything goes towards the good. I was full of motivation, making plans. Two hours later am thinking my life is pointless and I should die. I am useless. Everything that I thought was great about my life, now seems to be the disaster waiting around the corner. Well, I am in a flashback. I may write a message to someone that totally feels like truth, and lose that person from my life in next moment because of it. So I write here.
And the thing is, the unfair thing is - nobody knows about it. But everyone judges. We have to judge, to go about our lives.
Today I looked at a colleague of mine. And it struck me. I don't know how, it was this feeling of "it is what it is" from Vipassana. I just understood that it simply is - he is chronically sad. I just saw it, like black on white. I sat there for a while trying to feel how he feels, trying to translate it to thoughts, words.. I almost had it, then he looked my way. Even though from his behavior I would never think this about him. Only sometimes he falls silent for a few minutes. Leaves a bit earlier. Has to make a phone call. Cuts a conversation in the middle. And yes, I prefer strongly not to know this about him. And already my brain is trying to forget that moment and find reasons why such idea is ridiculous. But I remember this moment. That was the moment when I realised what my subconsciousness knew long ago, and this is what I think happens with the other people too. We don't want to know. No one can care about problems of all people, we would go crazy. We blend it out. And then only judge what is on the surface.