I have not been writing much as I was upset. With myself. I was actually pissed. At how little progress I made after all, how codependent I am, how I let other people define my reality, how full of anger I am, how I am misinterpreting everything what other people say and miscommunicating what I want to say. How stressed I am. How my world today crumbled because something that reminded me of a thoughtless comment someone made about my work a month ago. "You can't live like that!", I thought of myself.
And now I think: okay, well, fine. That means I have shitload of work to do. Yes, my body and brain react in a dysfunctional way, but is this ME? Why am I feeling guilty for it? Do I feel guilty for my knee hurting after just 5 minutes of a bike ride? Well I used to, in my worst moments. But how ridiculous would it be to consider oneself a morally bad person because one got a flu? Why do I take myself so personally? It is the brain I have to work with, it is the body. Yes they are pretty messed up, but I have no choice, I will get no second chance. I am the one responsible, but I am not guilty.
In the end my brain is not me. Why have I already forgotten one of the most important lessons of Vipassana? My brain is just an organ, a body part. It reacts in deterministic ways. It is just the way it is. It's not good or bad, it just is. Just like a flood or fire is. Fire or water are not good or bad per se, we people assign meanings, polarities to them. Things just are.
Okay a minute for my body. Hi body, how do you feel? ... Strained, tired, stressed, tense. How can I even expect it to perform well? Okay body, so how do you feel besides that? Why strained, tired, stressed and tense?
- ... I'm missing
- ... okay missing, missing what? who?
- ... I'm lonely ... I'm scared ... I don't know if you know where we are going
- ... yes I don't know actually ... the mission for now is to fix the knee
- ... because you again have expectations that I perform better?
- ... no, because I want us to have a choice later
- ... how do you know there will be no choice if the knee stays as it is?
- ... because I saw what can happen ... some people can't walk at all ... look!
- ah okay so it's like when we were a kid, learning to move?
- yes exactly! that is exactly what I want to do
- ... will I meet people after I learn to walk?
- yes, we will meet people! they are waiting there!
- can I do what I want when I learn to walk and run? can I feel happy and jump?
- yes, then you can do what you want!
- I'm excited!
- good :)