Just recently I remembered that this is what my mother was telling to me as a child whenever I did not feel like doing something that I should. I just stopped now and realised how insidious this was.
"Force yourself!"
She would not say "you should do it", she would not say "you have to do it", she would not say "if you don't do it, I will..." - rather than that she was forcing me into the habit of forcing myself. And often that was happening through my tears, my shaking, without asking me why I actually didn't want to do something. My feelings did not matter, the only message was "you have to force yourself, or I will destroy you by ignoring you all together".
Dear reader.. another malicious parenting method identified. Efficient, but destructive.
What do I have today from it? Yes I am disciplined. I do what people tell me to do. I became very good at forcing myself. I have achieved things many times. I have also stressed myself out a lot. I have been through mental breakdowns that were caused by too trivial things. For any of my achievements the price was a mental breakdown, because not achieving what I should be forcing myself to achieve would equal dying in my emotional world. The price was too high.
It is not forcing, it is breaking myself down.
The truth is that she was teaching me through this is that it's all about not listening to my emotions and impulses but rather doing what some authority tells me to do. She was teaching me to shut my emotions down.