No, it is really a huge difference to be able to know which of my behaviours may be different than regular and when to assert myself and explain what I want rather than thinking that:
  • it is obvious
  • people are just mean to me
  • I am weird and bad person for having such needs
That may have been the missing piece in fighting the codependency.
I just stated at work that I need to ask questions to find the answer. And the first time I did not feel guilty, I felt entitled to it because I read that some people just are like that. Bizarre. Why do I need an artificial quasi diagnosis for acknowledging that how I am may actually be the way I am allowed to be?
I suspect it may calm down a lot of internal and external confusion in the upcoming days, since when I learn the concepts then not only can I understand them myself, but also explain to others. I am gaining the vocabulary.
For example, if only I could have handled differently the situation with my ex boyfriends with freaking out when they don't reply/call back/visit me at the time they said they would. I thought it's because of borderline and feeling insecure. If only I could have said "Listen, I really need to you be at my place at 8 if you say you come at 8, and if you see you cannot make it you need to update me with a new final time or cancel the meeting. Sorry it's just the way I work, otherwise my whole evening will be destroyed, and I would rather not meet you than have an emotional breakdown". I knew this was the case but I felt too guilty to make such a request, as I thought it comes from insecurities that I should have fought, not put it on someone else. But don't I feel this way about anything time related? Any changes to time schedule destroy me if I am not in the party/travelling mode. Why do I always put myself in a position of asking for something, not stating the fact? As it is a fact that I just cannot not freak out if someone is writing me every 10 minutes that they will be 10 minutes later, does not matter if it is my boyfriend or my dentist. Not telling them that I will freak out and then freaking out does not make anyone happier. It is like having a nut allergy and saying okay to eating a nut cake because of being afraid to tell about the allergy. Someone will have to call an ambulance.