Health problems and codependency

Have not written anything for a while. Life does not look that motivating when knee problems hold you back. I think that the knee situation is in addition emotionally very triggering to me, because it's analogical to a part of my codependency problem - believing that someone else knows better.

Or, I have pain and the doctor tells me I can't have pain. The thing is, with knee problem it's more obvious than with an emotional problem. I can't quite deny that I can't walk. Yet still I'm trying. I'm caught between my traditional codependent response and harsh reality, and guess what - the reality is still losing this game. That's how strong those emotional responses are!

A hypothetical example: if a doctor told me that yoga is good for my problem I would probably go there and do the exercises even though it would hurt and it would clearly not feel right. At the same time I'd be swearing at the doctor and hating him with all of my heart for making me do it. Someone may say that it's childish because I'm trying to make someone else responsible for my choices, but the mechanism is not that simple. I'll explain it.

I actually am forced to do things against my will. Someone is denying my reality, and it's all about my codependent response to it. Instead of assert myself and say "no, I actually do have pain", I take what the other person tells me, especially if they are an authority for me. I do it as I'm unable to do otherwise. It's what my parents brute force taught me: "resistance is futile". I was so many times gaslighted, emotionally blackmailed and, well, simply emotionally abused, that the idea of asserting myself does not even cross my girly brain. Yes, a girly brain, because in such moments I regress to a child-like state. Because it's connected with a lot of fear, and fear can make people regress.

What does the most damage now is not even the fact that by following random words of other people I'm doing bad to myself, as I clearly am. The worst is that I'm well aware of it! And that I'm furious! That is a correct adult response to a situation that the "child me" fabricated in my head: "how dare you force me to exercise despite pain!?". And it's not only doings that I'm forced to, it's also feeling and thoughts: "how dare you tell me whether I have pain or not", "how dare you tell me what to feel and what to think". Because I feel pushed to act or think against my own will, the adult part rebels enormously against it. And it rebels at whom? At the doctors, at the health system, at the taxi driver - not realising that who is actually forcing is not all those people, it's just me myself, and the parent archetypes in my head. What is visible is the adult fury, not the child's initial malresponse, so the attention is effectively drawn away from the actual problem. It's this split between the two "me"s that causes a lot of emotional pain. It's this split that makes me unable to think clearly, that makes me freak out, that makes me try to numb myself with alcohol and cigarettes, that makes susceptible to make the biggest mistakes, including potentially a suicide. It's not the immature borderline me who suffers, it's really the adult me, just living in a matrix created by the child-like borderline. In such moments I feel so hopeless because I'm in fact fighting against myself and clearly such fight will always be quite equal, no matter how good I become at it. I can indeed never win. The stronger I become the stronger my opponent becomes, too.