Another dream flashback from my first relationship. I was there visiting and he was there living at his parents exceptionally, for two weeks. I was lying next to his feet stroking them, while he was talking with a friend. Next the friend left and we were kissing. I remember his smell, the shape of his feet, everything that was then as if it was just now. I am shocked at the level of detail, really.
And again, habitually, in that dream, I started to analyse how my body is feeling, I started recording my emotional state, I also tried to look from a conscious "above the fog" perspective. Two things I have noticed:
  • When I looked from "above the fog" perspective, he was there too. I was not alone there, this is also the plane on which we were kissing, hugging. Interacting.
  • I had this intense physical sensation of .. going into the direction of being one. It is as if that "subconsciousness", somatic body that is talked about in Vipassana was actually becoming one with another one. And we both were just observing the whole process with jaws dropped.
Yes, there was a lot of surrender and observation. I can't say that in such moments we were getting preoccupied with hormones just following the sexual drive. It was so far from that. It was very conscious, we were both amazed and intensely focused on what is going on. And it was very.. non judgmental observation, just like the one during meditation. There was no emotion of desire, no emotion of fear, just being amazed and patient. Yes, there was no desire to possess someone, no desire to f..ck. This is why I had such a hard time figuring out if I loved him. Only strong desire to stay in this process and let it continue as long and far as possible.
That intense feeling that no matter what, I will always support everything about him, how he feels, what he feels, how he is. That I will do so not because I loved him, not because of what I thought about him, not because of anything, but just so. Without the "because". Just by definition. In that moment when we were kissing and I was looking at his face from very close, I felt that there is nothing he could do that would make me feel disapproving of him. That absolutely everything about him is like anything about me to me.
All of this is so entirely different from how I experience relationships now. Why such a 180 degrees change? Yes, deep down I think I do think that there is maximum one person with which one can have such connection. But, is it so? And why I never felt even close to that with anyone else?
Is it the disappointments I had later? Now if I was stroking someone's feet I would be flooded with all kinds of negative thoughts, for example why is it me stroking his feet not him stroking my feet, and if it was him I would think that he is too desperate. When I enjoy kissing someone I start fearing what they think about me and if they will back off. Every interaction now is so full of judging and attempts at future telling. It is also very conditional: he didn't write me for 4 days in a row, so I better not invest emotionally, even though we are interacting now. It is all fear and desire driven.