I have recently heard that in a self recovery process it is very important to take small steps, such steps that are not too big for the child within that is scared and having great difficulty trusting, as it may get scared. Being too ambitious can lead to self-sabotage.
Okay, fair enough. I think I am finally ready to admit to myself that:
I am scared of men, I think they are jerks made to abuse and humiliate women, and I am not going to force myself into any relationship until someone proves me wrong.
Until now all of the men I met closer proved me right. This is the only reality that my inner child knows. For years I have been silencing her and forcing her to have relationships and sex with men she was finding repulsive. That was like letting my inner child be raped. She hates men and is traumatised by them. It's just how she has always felt, and I cannot change it by indoctrinating her, I cannot force her to think differently. Now this hypocrisy of mine, this cognitive dissonance is going to end. No more forcing her to do things that she does not want. No more putting her into dangerous situations. I do not have to do any of that.
I do not have to.
I do not care if how she feels about men is right or wrong - it is how she feels and I need to acknowledge it.
That is an incredible relief to be able to say it to myself. Huge weight taken off my shoulders.