Another Vipassana course, this time three days. Was awful to sit it through, I thought "never again". But something happened there, and as usual: the implications come only gradually, during the days afterwards.
One thing that I noticed happening when I meditate for long enough, 2-3 hours, is that when the brain calms down enough, I start getting "messages" from myself. Messages about important things I have been neglecting. It feels like "sobering". Those messages are presented as facts, with zero doubt, a kind of realisation of "what is". One such message was very clear: "if you want to have children, you have less time left that the time you have lived abroad". Which quite put everything into perspective.
And from there, while meditating, I thought (even though this is not what I was supposed to do in Vipassana) that I could explore that a bit and ask myself why is it that I cannot find a partner. With all the equanimity and focus. And the answer came: "because you don't want to". I asked: Why? "Because you would disappoint your mother". And again, why? "Because men are your enemies. And she has only you on her side." But am I not more than her ally, don't I have a right to my own life? "No, because.. wait.. what if you HAD a life, indeed? Like, your own, personal life?". Yes, I do have a life. "I have a life!". And that was not only a thought but also emotion - an emotion of discovering that I am entitled to something amazing that I never thought I could get anywhere close to. And also, more importantly, a sensation throughout my body. I still remember it. For some reason in my mind I had a concept of a shape of a bone, like the one in cartoons that the dog is carrying. It was blue. The feeling was blue too. Navy blue/blue. Later when I exited the meditation hall I realised that the shape I had in mind was also very similar to the paving stones on the ground. I wonder if that was connected and if it means anything.
And that's it. Basically. But.. now I started realising something: there are things in my life that freak me out. Like living on my own. Having a sofa in the living room for guests that I will never use myself. And now I realise that this "freaking out" feeling, this emotion that I have been interpreting as fear, is actually very similar to that excitement sensation I had while meditating. So I kind of connected the dots.. and suspect that the things that would be a manifestation of me having my own life have been freaking me out, because deep inside I believed I cannot have it. Like, I am not allowed. Not good enough, not lucky enough.
So now I was trying to push through that fear and see what is on the other side. I never did it before, actually, never in my life. It was a wall. What immediately comes up when I try to cross it, ironically, is a memory of my mother warning me that I will get old and be completely alone. And making me feel.. shame. So I pushed through this fear, that familiar "bending".. and suddenly, what is on the other side is.. okay. It's like moving your finger across a fold on a fabric - feels rough, unpleasant, worse with each millimeter, until suddenly, the fold disappears and everything is.. ok, normal again. I am now quickly scanning some questions I have asked myself in the past in order to make a decision where I ended making no decision at all, and from that new standpoint the decision seems totally manageable. It does not matter what decision would be taken actually, but it seems that before I did not feel I had the RIGHT to make a decision.
I am still in between those two points. But for a few seconds/snaphots I saw this me who does not know they have a right to live as someone I am not. And that is exactly what happened after previous Vipassana. It's peeling the onion, finding out who is NOT me.
It is still very scary to think I am on my own. But that is exactly what I have been missing.