That toxic feeling of "I love you no matter what", I finally get what that is!
It's connected to a feeling that I started to have more of recently, and which I always have more of when I'm not being invested in someone else's life: being weird and not normal. I thought it's something bad. But more and more I suspect this: this feeling is just being an individual. This is something my mother would fear because a child which has an individuality is not completely under her control. So she was making sure to shame and criticize every little expression of it, till I would start doing it to myself. So how did the weird child in me feel all those years? Unloved. And that's what that "I love you no matter what" feeling is. It's the interrupted communication with myself which I've been externalising to other people, as the only means of getting it expressed.
And this is why always the people who express them freely always impressed me. And this is why when I started learning it I started pissing of some people. Some people react with being impressed and some with aggression I guess. Aggression means fear btw.
It's shocking how far from myself I've been. Now when I examine things I really enjoy in my life that I would never think I would enjoy, I realise that each of them I love is because it's an expression of freedom to me. On some level it's been so obvious why I was feeling so bad with myself.. I've not been allowed to be myself. Since the very beginning. That's why everything during school time felt so false and artificial, lame and forced. That's why when I went to University I felt like my life actually began. But I felt I'm playing someone else, someone I'm not. People would tell me I'm social, funny, spontaneous, open, brave, extravert. And I thought how skewed their picture of me was. So many years it took to finally see that it was the other way round. I have always heard from my mum how shy and a loner I was but I never felt so. All I've ever known about myself was what I've heard from her.