I have been thinking of making myself as good as possible in order to "invest" myself to some man. Now I am thinking: what if I gain more by self investing? It is like starting an own business only in order to sell it later, but then realizing that no one can offer a price that can cover its worth. Not because I am awesome, but because there is no price for my life, my aspirations, dreams and my me-ness. What a crazy idea to be living only to give it all away? I have been saving metaphorical "money" for something that is not worth that money. Better quit the idea and keep the money.
It's just a block in thinking. Just like some people (including me) cannot make the shift from being employed for someone to being self-employed for oneself, I could not make the shift between always looking for someone to live for rather than living for myself. It just seemed.. not allowed. Too ambitious. Too risky. Too unclear. Too difficult. And the biggest question: "If it was so easy and good, why is not everyone doing it?".
Well, more and more people actually are.