Yesterday while falling asleep I had the following realisation, that lingers too today:

  • I will not have a second go at my life
  • I will never live anyone else's life
  • I will never get the chance to review my life
  • There is NO OTHER perspective for me than the one I have, and there won't be
  • It is not a simulation, a dry-run, an attempt - it is IT, and there will be nothing else
  • The world I create for myself, my thoughts, my achievements, will end with the end of my life
  • I have nothing else than my body that anchors me in this reality, and my body is fragile
  • There is no one watching my life, no one is watching me, there is only me - no one else
The way how I see my life - the beginning and end, and it's content, the thoughts, the experiences - is ONLY in my head. And it is not tangible.

All I have is this, what is now. There is nothing else. There literally exists nothing else.

THERE WILL NOT BE ME LOOKING PAST ON MY LIFE AFTER MY LIFE HAS ENDED. There won't be "me" thinking of my life as something that has happened in the past. I will never have conceptualized "my life", because before I could, I will be dead. And at that moment there will be no one left who could (because no one will know everything I knew).

And it is scary, but also fascinating. Disgusting and creepy. But also sobering. The words I write here do not reflect that realisation. They only describe it, but they do not reflect it. It's a strong, very strong realisation. A game changer would be, if only it stayed. But it's already fading away, I am being sucked in back into the everyday.

Something has been triggered by Vipassana, and I am not sure whether I like it. And anyway, is this the way to enlightenment or rather first stages of a mental disease?

But one thing I know now for sure: yes we all live in a hugely dissociative state.