Today I was looking at the family of my brother in law.. extended family.. dining family.. laughing, getting drunk, stuffing themselves with food. With sparse teeth, with overweight, with shiny skin.. in a stuffy room, telling to each other about what someone else did or say.. shouting over a TV playing loudly some very non-deep musical hits. Young girl bringing her doll waiting for the words of approval. A bit older pretty girl about to get married, about to get pregnant, fat and dissociating herself with alcohol from the thought that the marriage became a huge disappointment. About to join the club. And someone visiting with the one month old child, for the first time, that has been sleeping since the beginning.. till that one moment when it woke up..
.. and cried ..
And everyone gasped in some emotion, that could be something between relief and amazement. And next they started clapping. I just felt as if the air got filled with the thought: "all good, the kid is NORMAL".
Normal. What is normal? It hit me hard today. It hit me: I am NOT normal. All this time I have been WATCHING them, I have not been there. I am not interested in the kind of things they are doing. And now I start to understand that it is not the matter of age: I never will. I just got it: there really is nothing more to it. When I was a kid I used to imagine what is awaiting me when I grow up, that I cannot imagine yet. But there is nothing. Nothing more to their lives. That IS what their lives are about. Eat, sleep, reproduce, and feel that other people accept you. And whoever is different, is out. Becomes the target of hate. Not direct hate, of course. Will be hated, because:
  • they are immoral
  • they are fake
  • they are manipulative
  • they are self centered
  • they are irresponsible
The list goes on. To most people those are just words describing that they DO NOT LIKE someone being DIFFERENT. No one cares WHY someone is different, and HOW they are different. They are different, hence uncomfortable, hence we will find a reason to ostracize them. Judge them and by that justify the rejection. A purely natural reaction.
And that is why everyone desperately tries to fit in, to be NORMAL, to be liked. I don't know why I never had that. They want it so much that they become one lumpy organism instead of many individual organisms. They live on autopilot. They do not actually live, by my definition of that word.
I do not fit in. I never did, and I never will. This is why I am so unhappy. This is the actual reason of my unhappiness: I do not fit in, no matter how hard I try. Because I do not like what I am trying to fit myself into. I do not like it. I do not want it. This is what I have been running away from, today I saw it so clearly. It's a boring party with shitty movie and unhealthy snacks, and you don't get out of it till you die.
This is so unhelpful: this is what I do not want, but I still don't know what I want. Living the life by avoiding what I do not want is a shitty life too. At least I have realised that all the advice those people will give me, will probably not do me good.