In last therapy we talked that I don't have a goal in life to be happy.
In fact, the first time someone told me their goal was to be happy I was enraged. So narrow and so selfish! Superficial. Only with time I realised it's the goal of the most people. Until now I don't get it to be honest: how did they all sync on that? Apart from being selfish, it just feels to me pretty random, hence the surprise.
My goals.. I have only one goal: do not disturb anyone. Do not make problems. Don't be a burden. Don't upset anyone. The therapist said a goal can't be negative, so it can't start with a "don't", but rather with a "do".
When I was younger, I had a more ambitious goal, which I gave up by now: make other people happy. I simply understood I'm not able to. I'm just not getting it enough to make myself useful to anybody. And I'm not content about it at all. I'm at a constant feeling of failure because of this.
The therapist said that the goal can't be about other people, but about me.
So what's my goal. Maybe some fairy tale goal, little goally, just for start. I would like to get to a place where I feel safe. That would be the first checkpoint.
Oh I've been trying to achieve it, didn't I? I've found a job where I don't feel judged, I've stopped trying to meet new people, I've started to cut off any newly met person that displayed any signs of narcissistic traits. All I've achieved by that was depression. So what went wrong there? Maybe you can't get to a safe place just by escaping the dangers? All you can get to is a place of starvation.
Feeling safe. Emotionally safe, of course. I want to get to a place where I can just be myself. Like a 4 year old. I want to have what a 4 year should ideally have: feeling of safety and carelessness. Feeling that my view on things matters. That I matter, at least to myself.
I don't want to be happy. Being happy feels like a luxury to me. Like wanting a Porsche. What would I do with it anyway? She said I can't make other people happy until I am happy. Okay, that could be a motivation. But other than that.. really, I honestly think it was never something I wanted. Yes, life may be easier with it. But if I could wish just one thing, that definitely would not be my happiness. World peace or something like that would be way more reasonable. Why people react with anger when I say such things? Why is this wrong? Why am I not allowed to have a goal which is not about me, for f.. sake?!