I think I discovered something important. There are at least three schemas, aka thinking patterns, that I fall into when I like someone. The thoughts that belong to each of them are so repetitive, so predictable, that I am surprised that I have noticed that only now. Each of those schemas is actually a combination of various cultural elements, and I believe I am not the only one who had such ideas. So now I want to write them down here, so that they are even more explicit, and easier to identify next time I fall into one.
First one, the "I need you". The desperate, clingy, "please love me" girl, who draws her self worth from the fact that there is someone in the world who once wanted to kiss her. She idealizes him to the point of absurd. She is ready to do anything for him, but she won't tell him that. She feels ashamed and guilty of herself, feels embarrassed of the way she feels, because she knows that clinginess is not good. She would stay up all night night just to watch him sleep. She says:
  • "do you love me?"
  • "do you still like me?"
  • "I am sorry, it's me again"
  • "I am sorry, I'm stupid"
  • "it is okay if you want to leave me, you can go"
  • "I have never felt this way about anyone"
  • "I will do anything to keep you"
  • "I wouldn't be able to live without you"
  • "I miss you"
  • "why you don't write me?"
It is quite visible that there is many "romantic" influences here, also it is very gender stereotypical.
How do I feel:
  • choking, wrists, paralyzed
  • fear^10, confused, resented, let down, shame, desperate, panic, humiliation
Second one, the "I am better than that". Cynical about love, does not believe in anything than people wanting to get their needs met at the cost of other people. But she can play along, of course, cause some elements of it are actually fun. She considers him less valuable than her friends, because, of course, he will eventually disappear. She does not want to get attached, and is disciplined to take any precautions in order not to, including breaking the contact or dating another guy in parallel. She regularly thinks of him as "less than" her, to make sure that she keeps the right distance. She believes that men are evil and want to use women, but she is smarter than that and is actually taking advantage of it herself. The priority is to stay in control. She believes that he has exactly the same approach. She says:
  • "don't get too attached"
  • "oh, btw, I am spending the weekend at my good male friend's"
  • "we should not spend too much time together"
  • "I don't care what you do with your life"
  • "you're funny"
  • "easy, I know you don't love me, and it's is ok"
  • "back then, when I still wanted to get married"
  • "back then, when I still believed I can be happy with someone"
  • "ok, actually.. bye"
This one is actually very helpful during a breakup, I must say. Maybe I do not want to get rid of her completely.
Third one, the "no one will ever love me" victim. She thinks she is beyond the whole topic of love as no one would ever look at her in this way. She feels unworthy of any guy even looking at her. If some of them does she is convinced he must have gotten mistaken. Feels like an impostor. When someone tries to get physically close, she is flooded with thoughts about how her body is not good enough. So she avoids any situations that would trigger unpleasant feelings, sitting aside, watching and cheering up her friends who are or trying to get into relationships. She says:
  • "this stuff is just not for me"
  • "must have gotten it wrong"
  • "he sure just wants to be friends"
  • "me?! come on, very funny"
  • "just leave it"
  • "why would he even be interested in someone like me?"
  • "there are so many women who are much more suitable than me"
In the most cases, when I pick a memory from a "romantic" situation from my past, I can immediately point to one of those three. Sad it is, isn't it. And how it must have appeared to other people..
I am not actually sure what to do next with those.