Missing piece of the puzzle: about belonging

I just watched Teal Swan's video called "Instant belonging" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iofHNbc5xSk). I really need to stress out that many of her videos I would not take seriously. But this one made me think.

She said that the brain's habitual finding differences between everything, including people other than yourself, removes the feeling of belonging. And once there is no feeling of belonging for a long time, the ego takes it as part of its own identity: not belonging.

I think this is exactly what happened with me. "Not belonging" is part of my identity. I didn't realize until I have heard it in words. And that is huge, because whatever is part of one's identity will be preserved at any cost. Using all the available tools of one's personal matrix. So instead of trying to exit my matrix in order to belong (which is close to impossible), I could deal with that core reason!

And second question I asked myself: when did it happen? A year ago? Ten years ago? Thirty years ago? Why did it happen so early? Why don't I remember ever having the feeling of belonging? Well.. my mother was always telling me that I was different. What motivated her was that she thought I was better. But she never told me I was better, she kept on pointing out how I am different from other children.

I remember that children tale my mother used to read to me, of the little ugly duck. The mother duck had many children, but one of them was very ugly and black. And everyone was making fun of it. It couldn't even swim like all the other small ducks could. It was the odd one. Until they grew up. And then it turned out that the ugly duck was indeed a swan, and much bigger and more beautiful than anyone else. I remember being upset at having to be that little ugly duck. And I remember the moment of giving in, and thinking "fair enough, I'll do it: I will identify with that little ugly duck". Not because the idea of being a beautiful swan appealed to me (in fact I saw it as bad as being the little black duck: different), but because I saw there is no way of me changing my mother's perception of me, and I had to give in and adjust my perception to hers. I was around 3 maybe.

And Teal is called Swan. What the.. synchronicity. But that is not the only thing. What is going on recently for me that also felt like something important but I could not put my finger on it: I started a new job, and at one moment I was really puzzled as it seemed that each of my closest co-workers would have several of my odd characteristics. It felt as if someone took the list of things I don't like about myself, found people who are similar, and put me together with them. And what happened them, I actually got it straight in my face that: if I like those things about them, then why don't I like them about me. This is also what Teal talked about, finding similarities instead of differences.

And my recent conversations with people. Everything was pointing into this direction. The songs I have been hitting "replay" button for the last several weeks..

I do not "not belong" because of who I am, but because of what happened to me. And because I believed it defines me.

(Coma - Leszek Żukowski)