We had a presentation at work about coaching technique called "Moment of Excellence". It's about remembering vividly a moment from the past when we greatly succeeded at something, next naming our qualities we proved there, then finding an anchor that reminds of this situation and then imagining a future challenge, with the anchor, and with us succeeding in this imaginary challenge. It doesn't have to be the same kind of situation. The goal is to have the anchor accessible at any time. In short.
I really had trouble to remember a moment when I felt proud. I think I have the feeling of pride somehow blocked. So I had to rather remember when I felt like an impostor and try to objectively see if that maybe was the moment of excellence.. That was a side note.
In any case, something happened today. It's amazing how susceptible brain is for suggestions, and how we can observe it as long as we stay attentive. Today I spontaneously remembered a situation from early teenage years when I actually felt good about myself. I remember this distinctive day: the first day of spring, the sun was shining and I decided to wear a clothes combination that was very different from my day to day way of dressing, as it was not approved and would never be approved by my mother. And I did not give a crap. I also remember walking the longer route from school just to enjoy the weather. I remember thinking that I have no friends but I actually it does not make me sad as I am an open and friendly person and potentially I have lots of friends just have not met them yet. I remember asking myself if I look stupid in my clothes and then thinking that it didn't matter because I enjoyed wearing them. I still remember the texture. I remember asking myself why do I always feel so guilty and down when I can feel like I felt on that day. I felt free. Confident. Creative. Inspired. Fresh. Light. Happy.
And the point I wanna make here is that indeed, in no therapy this memory would be retrieved. Indeed, therapies focus on problems, not on positives. And it's indeed a very similar mechanism to schema therapy, but instead of defensively detonating problematic situations we proactively encourage positive ones. I think it's important that both techniques go hand in hand!
And one more thing, after I drew this memory in my notebook, another one popped up. It was maybe 4 years later and I decided I will visit my boyfriend while passing next to his house, coming back from clothes shopping. I felt confident and worthy, I felt feminine, competent about relationships and content about the future. Grounded! It's funny as the bulky ground I walked on towards his house always pops up as an important part of this memory :D
The most surprising thing for me is that the way I felt in both of those situations is not a copy of anyone else. It was my own feeling of competence and worthiness, and of feminity. Somehow all the negative feelings I seem to have copied from either mum or dad, but the good ones they are mine! Fabricated by me only. This identity is not like anyone else I know. I'm so grateful to have gotten access to those memories back. They've been buried under thousands of negative ones, and I may not have even ever know about them.
It means I had identity. I had confidence, I had self esteem, I know how to feel good in my body, I know how to feel worthy as a woman, I have it all in me already! Mind blowing!