Moving on after a breakup - I realised I am not able to do it. All I can do, and have been doing till now, is to convert the affection into hatred. Both self-hatred and hatred towards that person. I can only manipulate the ratio. That is the closest to moving on that I have experienced.
It does sound like a borderline problem, doesn't it. Imagine that you are a small child and your parents abandon you (literally or emotionally). You can't really move on as a small child. The psychological toolset of a borderline is pretty much like the one of that child.
It's a great emotional baggage of hatred that I am carrying now. And what is scary is that I am also training myself in starting to hate people (and myself), which means that with each relationship hate becomes easier and easier. This way of living is just not sustainable. Even when I ocassionally manage to get into the "moving on" mindset (because in the end I did do some work on myself since being that child), there are two things that are blocking me:
Moving on makes me feel guilty.
Yes there are times when I feel like I am starting to leave the past behind. But then I feel overwhelmed by guilt. I feel like I am betraying that person, and my past self. And then I run back to the old feelings.
Silence makes me freak out.
I am also horrified at the prospect of losing people from my life forever. Any second of silence between us means that the distance grows, and that makes me freak out. I really believe that a person can dissapear completely, like cease to exist. It's as if they were actually going to die if I do not write them yet another message.
Painful things. I guess it's not even close to the regular pain people experience after the breakup. Can't say if it's better or worse, but for sure there is more anxiety and stress than sadness. It's also not healthy and after each relationship I am becoming more of a shadow of myself rather than growing stronger.