Maybe because all those Vipassana and thinking about myself and then questioning each baseline feeling that I have about myself I got to another realisation. Yes, indeed there is some kind of white background noise that I normally do not realise, but those are the ongoing emotions (or maybe: beliefs) that play in the background. It's hard to spot them, as they're there always, and it kind of seems like the pillars of reality. But really, it's it so? I just realised that deep inside I feel loneliness as this pillar emotion, some kind of longing for avoiding people, because I'm lonely. Because world is a lonely place. But really, it's it so? How contradictory what I wrote sounds? So isn't there something off?
And I spontaneously traced it back. I remembered myself walking back home from school. Oh man, such old times, I almost forgot how it was. Now I remember that every time I was leaving school I was in state of high anxiety. I prayed not to meet anyone. Because if I did, I knew I would not be able to start a conversation and I also knew that few children would start a conversation with me (as I rarely spoke with anyone). So I was really scared of the awkward situation of walking next to a classmate and this person ignoring me. That would mean terrible things about me. So I would rather try to avoid such situation all together. And while avoiding it, taking the back route through the bushes and broken fences I did feel lonely. I felt so lonely and at the same time wrong that I'm feeling lonely, that I made a conscious choice to internalise that feeling of loneliness.
I accepted that being lonely is a part of who I am.
I know one reads in psychology a lot about how childhood adaptations to difficult reality are real impediments in adult lives, but wow, this is not just a dry statement, this is a concrete example. I made being lonely part of my identity, so of course in adult life I am subconsciously doing everything to maintain that status, as otherwise it would feel like losing my identity.
And what is funny is that when I read this sentence "Being lonely is a part of who I am" it sounds so true, so obvious, it is like this for everyone, isn't it? What's the big deal? It does not even feel like a discovery for me. And this only proves that I am on the right track.. because intellectually, this is certainly not right. Being lonely is certainly not part of who my friends are, my boss is, then why should it apply to me? Simple question: why?
I just internalised it back then. I remember well dwelling on that feeling of loneliness while walking alone as a kid, the feeling of being excluded.
I was immersing in it, as thinking that this is who I am kept me feeling better despite being lonely.
But also at the beginning I kept on having this little thought in the back of my head: "Hey wait a minute, is this actually a good idea what I am doing? It feels like a kind of compulsion. And compulsion is bad, it is usually a sin". It is remarkable, that as this 7 year old kid I was still able to think about what effect my thoughts may have on me. And this lonely feeling of a 7 year old kid, it is the very same feeling I have today. Unchanged. And what I understood later in life was: "if being lonely is who I am, I must be a bad person, no?". And hence self hatred. It's amazing and scary how a little problem of a little girl grew with her to a life show stopper. I remember my father saying "What kind of problems could YOU possibly have?!" - how wrong he was.
What now? I guess work through my problem at school and find another solution. To understand that this was not the only way I could deal with it. At least it would certainly not be the only way I could deal with such situation right now.