Why have I been doing it to myself? Trying to be there for anyone who may need anything from me. It has exhausted me beyond measure. It would not cross my mind now. To offer friendship to someone who has exploited me in every possible way, just in case one day they ever felt too lonely to bear it. And who am I, Jesus? What am I, endurable beyond measure? Infinitely patient? Not possible to be hurt? Immune to any possible shit? Land of abundance for anyone? Fuck no. I have limited capacity for taking other people's shit (in fact that capacity should be 0), limited resources for coping, limited time, limited mental strength. I have been removing myself from the picture whenever I saw someone in need, as if I didn't exist. It's not that I don't want to help people, I do, but I have to stay realistic - I cannot do more than what I am capable of, and it is important to know my capabilities. They are far less than I used to think, which makes me quite an ordinary human being in the end.
Being discarded heartlessly from day to day, or rather hour to hour, by someone who has claimed to love me over last 18 months felt exactly like the moment when I understood that I cannot count even on my mother's love as a child. The same endless pit of darkness and helplessly falling down without a possibility to break. Except this time I was not a child. I was able to stop and say "fuck no". I am no longer my parents' bitch, I'm no one's bitch.
It's scary to think that I indeed had to meet someone heartless and cruel to the bottom in order to have it resembled my situation as a baby girl. I don't like to think that I was abused as a kid, but when I translate the way my parents made me feel to the adult life I am not sure how many of adults would be able to endure such treatment from the close ones, even while being fully grown up.
To be honest, if now anyone behaved towards me in the toxic way that my parents did in the past, I would just not meet that person again. There's no need of any more second of that. I did not have the choice when I was a child but now I do!