I have recently realised that I'm having a strong mental filter that prevents authentic connection and keeps me in loneliness. This filter was also making itself invisible.
The filter is that when someone says or does something, my understanding is that they do so in order to elicit a specific reaction in other people, rather than to express how they feel or to connect.
Implications of that are huge. I basically assume everyone is manipulative and lying. But this is on a very deep level, on a level deeper than the everyday meaning of the word "lying". I may say "I believe you're honest with me", knowing that on a deeper level they're of course not. "Believing someone" to me meant as much as agreeing to the version of the reality that is presented to me. But thinking that it's the true reality of that person would be crazy. And I assumed that this phenomenon is so universal and obvious to everyone, that I have no word for a situation when someone actually means what they say, because I believed this never happens. Up to recently I couldn't even imagine it. I mean, I saw no reason why would anyone be authentic.
I wouldn't take people seriously. Someone would tell me they loved me, I'd enjoy it for some time till I'd say "okay enough bullshitting". I would get upset seeing a text saying "I miss you", because I saw it as manipulative. I would feel pushed when hearing a compliment, because I'd see it as manipulation to get me to like someone. I'd myself write "I miss you" when I wanted reassurance that someone likes me.
I would really believe people only when they're angry. Because anger is the emotion that can't be controlled. When someone was angry I knew they're not pretending. So I have always been impressed by anger.