I never paid attention to it, but I do have memory of being 8 and completely freaked out in the middle of the school's gym during the year end or beginning celebration. I remember it was loud, there was a lot of kids, perfume and flowers smell, and I had no idea where I am and where I should be going. I froze in the middle of it and just felt like dying. Then my mother would come up and ask me if I want to leave. That came as a surprise, but I realised yes, I did want it to stop. We went out. She gave me strawberry chocolate. I felt like the apocalypse was switched off. She let me eat as much of the chocolate as I wanted, which normally would not happen. I was wondering why that was. Next I realised my eyes were wet. And that I have been sweating and my face was burning. I felt ashamed. I thought I overreacted and that again: I am not normal. I also thought that next time it happens I can actually leave on my own, and that it will be way better than experiencing this again. I remember the taste of that chocolate so much, and when I was older, each time I would feel really down and confused, I would buy the very same chocolate.
At school I would try not to leave the classroom right after the bell, but wait until it stops ringing first, after everyone was gone and the corridors not in their peak of traffic. Each time I hoped that some teacher does not order me to leave with everyone. If the lesson happened in the same room, I would try to stay over the break in the empty classroom, simulating reasons for it, so that I am not thrown out. Like eating the lunch sandwich at 9am. Or pretending I am on my way and then not leaving. Or sneaking back into the room after the teacher was gone.
I particularly enjoyed walking along the corridors during times when there was no one. I would walk towards the places where we had or will have classes, feeling the adrenaline, trying to get familiar with it, to get over it.
Isn't it a bit of autistic? I am a bit worried of watching the videos, as I may be getting more and more biased. Memories change while remembering, right? But that moment of confusion and complete shutdown I remember clearly, and I remember thinking afterwards: "what was this?". My consciousness was simply not there for a while, I was only in my head, and it was hell. And I never made the connection to the noise and the crowd. Which should have been obvious..