Like with many concepts that I write about in this blog: I have heard the term, I knew that objectifying children can cause narcissism or borderline, but I did not really understand what it has to do with me. In the end my mum has always been saying that she loves me, and has been so emotional. She could not have treated me like an object, could she? And about my father I felt like he hated me - you do not hate objects, do you?
Today in the therapy session I finally saw it - my mother objectifies people all the time. Those stupid comments of her, like "look at him, he is probably thinking now, haha so funny", or "your cousin has this funny way of speaking, pay attention next time", or "look this woman had so weird hands", or "I am behaving like that so that he learns not to do it next time" - those comments have been always making me feel uncomfortable. I could not put my finger on it, but they sounded a bit.. disrespectful? It's because she was saying those sentences as if she was describing an animal, or a strange sculpture, or everyday use object, or a comedian character from a TV show. As if the person she was speaking about had no sense of self, no desires, no dreams, no aspirations, as if it was not a person. As if that person did not require respect. It is a way of speaking that some people gossip, but it is not something you would say to a person directly.
Except she would say those things in to me. Or rather in front of me. She would comment about me in that manner to my father in front of me in a way that I could hear. She thought such triangulation amplifies the message. My father would often join her. She is also doing it to my father.
There is also another way in which she does it - she likes to tell the close people what is wrong with them and what she wants them to do in order to compensate for it (I even suspect that what she wants appears first, and the reason for it is invented later). And then she would always accompany it with "you should not be upset but appreciate that I am telling you this, as no one else would as they are intimidated as they are not so close to you". That explanation sentence was making me feel terrible. I felt like an outsider, and also started to believe that everyone is lying to me and pretending in front of me. So not only she would give me this fabricated version of reality but at the same time she tried to replace whatever I had left of my own with it. And all of this had one goal - so that someone does what she wants.
I think I know where this came from in her: her father is an alcoholic. She must have constantly seen her father being out of touch with reality, with no dreams or aspirations, with no sense of self and not deserving respect. The way in which she often speaks of others and the way that makes me feel uncomfortable is the way one would speak about someone drunk, wasted. One would not even bother to make sure that the person doesn't hear the comments.
I think this objectification often triggers me. If someone behaves towards me in that manner, I react explosively - at least inside. It also triggers me when I witness someone doing it with another person.
Of course being objectified since the beginning of your life leads to self objectification.