It's getting so clear for me: what I feel and what I think (even without words) during an emotional flashback, and where exactly it comes from childhood. I can decompose it, deconstruct it, analyse it, but I can't change it.
It's feelings of shame and disgust underneath the pain right now. And further underneath them is just nothing. Nothing to fall back onto. It's because I never had the chance to develop anything else when I was little.