They say that the critical voices we hear in our heads come from our primary caregivers, and that those voices actually are what they've been telling us when we were really small. I don't normally use words to think (I don't use images either, and yes it's possible to still think) so I don't even hear any voices. I would just get the strong impression that people around me are mad at me, dislike me and that I'm a worthless piece of shit.
But, because so many issues that me and my therapist untangled during the therapy sessions were rooted in what I remember my parents told me, I had a strong suspicion there must be a wordless equivalent of this critical voices for me too. In the last weeks I've been wondering how I could give those critics a voice, so that I can confront them. And yesterday, spontaneously, during a longer visit at a friend's who I haven't seen for ages, I started seeing words of what the critic would be telling me. It was partly audible and party written, as if I was hearing audio but couldn't really understand the words (like in a foreign movie), and then underneath I saw the subtitles. What is interesting the subtitles were in English even though it's not the language I grew up in. And what was written there was:
  • Do you think it's free? You think that staying at someone's house and using their heating and water comes for free?! You should do something for them to make up for the fact that you're staying there. It's not a hotel.
  • You should not just stay at their place, you should organise your time yourself. They're not there to babysit you.
  • The fact they invited you for one week doesn't mean you should stay there one week. That was just a courtesy and you know it. How can you play such an inconsiderate dumbass?!
  • Seriously, why do you again make problems? Can't you just go in the cold without that extra clothes they offered to lend you? You really think they don't have better things to do than looking for that trousers for YOU now? Go there right now and say you don't need them!
  • They're not your taxi. You miscalculated the distance, it's your problem not theirs. You should not make more trouble than you have already.
  • Everyone is sleeping. Why for God's sake you have to go to pee at night?! Can't you just hold it in?! No one cares you need to pee, it's your problem. You're such an inconsiderate dumbass sometimes.
  • And so who cares that you have a headache? You should have brought your own medication, they're not your pharmacy! That's really unbelievable, now you're asking them for a painkiller!
  • Why don't you clean their house can't you see that they don't have time themselves? How can you just sit there and eat their food instead? You could be useful for once!
  • You really need to make a sandwich with ham AND cheese?! Is one of them not enough?! This is extremely rude, they've invited you so at least don't eat their food!
Not only was I having those hidden thoughts, I'd actually conform my actions to them. I didn't take the extra tomato, and I jumped into washing the dishes. I waited 1 hour at night before I really needed to go to the bathroom. And because of that I'd get frustrated. That's when the outer critic would replace the inner critic:
  • Don't you think they've invited you only so that you can help them cleaning? Can't you see how they're using you?
  • You're really so naive, again you let yourself be used. They'll not ever be grateful that you cleaned for them.
  • And them you call your friends? You're clearly not feeling well in the middle of the night and all they care is to get their sleep. Did they even notice you're visiting them?
  • And why did you offer to cook for them?! Who are you, their cook? They should cook for you, you're their guest! I don't think they're your friends, you should open your eyes.
  • Maybe there's another reason they've invited you. Do you think they're having fights and he's trying to make her jealous by having you over? Probably that's why they invited you.
  • Or maybe they want to keep you in the loop of their friends. Are you sure they're not planning to move to your area? Maybe they count on that when they will move they will be able to stay at your place for free. Please don't allow that, it would be awful, you'll not be able to ever kick them out. You're not a social service. Be careful and stay suspicious.
Now imagine being fed such messages through your subconsciousness constantly. Sooner or later you'd believe they're true (even if they're contradictory, as they're coming from inside). The messages from inner and outer critic would get alternated at time intervals as short as a few seconds. As the result my emotional states would be thrown between feeling selfish and feeling like I'm being treated selfishly, between self loathing and being resentful. Can it look like emotional instability? Sure yes. Does it make your life miserable? Definitely. Does it allow to maintain friendships? Not really.
It's interesting to observe that dynamics in my head. I know that in the past I'd have a number of strange negative feelings about that particular friend yet still couldn't objectively say why. Only during alcohol parties we'd bond and have a very good time. Now I think I know why it was so: he's quite assertive and not super emotionally expressive. That emotional silence would leave a lot room for my critics to jump in. Plus, he's the kind of person my mum would really dislike, so her "voice" is getting activated non stop.
Did my parents really say such things about my friends? (or rather kids I've tried to be friends with). Yes they did.. I remember. I never thought such stuff like I wrote above was something bad to say to one's child. I do have memories of my mother constantly having to protect me from other kids that were trying to use me and I remember me imposing myself to other kids and really annoying their parents even though those parents would never make it look so to me. And being rude by eating something I was offered, or accepting an invitation few times. But was it really so that all the kids who I tried to be friends with were trying to use me? Would an average parent be indeed upset that their kid has a friend coming over? Did my aunts and uncles not want me to eat when they've offered me food? What is interesting is that back then I never FELT that other kids were trying to use me nor that I'm not welcome. But I was constantly told so. While visiting a friend who supposedly did not want to see me, I did feel they wanted to, and I had fun with them, while in the back of my head I would hear my mother's voice and I would be already fearing guilty towards my mother. When a parent of a friend was inviting me to stay for lunch I knew they meant it, but I also knew my mother wouldn't agree with me that they did, and for that reason, with a heavy heart, I'd reject the invitation. I wouldn't be surprised if I would actually have said that I couldn't come because my mum thought I was not really invited and that parent of a friend was pretending. But I never thought that myself. I felt double guilty. And I concluded that I must be a naive and inconsiderate person.
I don't know how it happened that at a certain age I started actually believing those "voices" (as thinking-without-words messages). Maybe it happened with people who I met after that voices were developed. Maybe it happened when people I started to meet were no longer sharing their inside as openly as children do, so I had no counterproofs. Maybe it happened when my age started getting close to my mum's age when she was saying those things. Or maybe just having those messages in my head started to attract people to my life who'd confirm them. Some people have told me that I'm very suspicious, and if I am so then I must too be behaving like that person who I'm suspecting. Well no. The idea that someone may want to hurt me doesn't have to come neither from everyone hurting me (which would be statistically strange) nor me hurting everyone.